THE DREAMS IN WHICH I'M DYING

...I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had… (A beautiful line from the song « Mad World »)

I am in my car and hear the lyrics. Hot tears start streaming down my face and I am not able to stop them. My chest feels tight, as if there is a massive block of concrete holding down my breath which is causing me to panick. I cry harder, louder, sobbing, gasping for air, feeling desperately lonely. I have to stop it, my eyes are swollen and red and I will be at the office soon. I need to concentrate on the traffic, an accident is the last I could use. I open my window which cools me down and gives me the feeling I can breath again. I pull over and sob some more. I want to cry out all my tears,... I want arms around me..., I want a cigarette..., I want to turn back the clock 11 years...

I get to work and realise I forgot to drop off my daughter’s medicines at the childminder. So I run in, hiding my face as much as possible, apologise and run back out. All the way back… Yes, they say live goes on, and indeed it does. Not even time for a little mourning. In the car I cry again. I can’t stop it and I don’t want to stop it.

Not enough sleep, stress from work, divorcing with added stress over courtcase for permission to move abroad, christmas without money, the feeling of loneliness when it comes to the care of my little girl, tired conversations that easily lead to aggravation and misunderstanding with my Master, unfulfilled desires, my struggle over my weight, … I need a release, and tears seem to be the way.

Back at work I get a hug from my sweet Italian colleague. She doesn’t know why, but she sees something is wrong. And a hug is always nice. I get to work and besides the cold in my head I start feeling better. Now and then I need to dry my face again, cause tears keep rolling unvoluntarily. But by midday they seem to be dried up.

It’s not something I want to talk about. Simply because it is almost impossible. But maybe writing helps. Although I don’t know what I mean by « helps ». What do I want ? Learn to let go ? Learn to accept ? Learn to get over it ? No, not any of those. But I do want to feel less intensely sad, be able to perhaps talk about it without feeling like being scraped out on the inside.

There are a few things I will write down today. Not because « it helps », but to air my opinion. Killing yourself is NOT a selfish act, but a desperate deed. They should not be shamed and blamed, but respected for their courage. They do not leave loved ones behind, but loved ones have not seen them.

Yes, it leaves an enormous amount of guilt, but only righteously. I find my own stupidity unforgivable, and therefore I cannot and want not let go, accept, get over it…. I should have known, should have heard, should have felt, should have been there.

So please, by a miracle, turn the clock back 11 years tonight. Just in time...

IT’S THE SEASON

It seems like they’re crawling from under the woodworks… Doms everywhere! OK, a wet dream for many subs… but imagine it for real! Hard work, girls.

My boss compared it with finding a job. You can be without one for a long time, and then when you start settling into your new position somewhere, many other offers follow. Same thing with men. Only when they are Doms, it means also hard work. After all, you don’t want to disappoint them!

It is a bit funny. It has been a bit more than a year ago now that I discovered how wonderful it is to finally admit to the submissive inside me. So much has changed though. I am sure that every Dom I know, met or had contact with in the last year would testify to it. And just about every Dom I have met or had contact with has re-appeared in one way or another.

If I could do my year again, would I still do the same? Would the Masters I had chosen once, be my picking now?

Before I had a first real Master, I had a good friend. A switch. He has re-appeared too. But then disappeared again very quickly, cause I didn’t follow his order. He was always a bit stroppy and impatient. But mostly jealous. He was also very sweet and really cared for me, and in a way it is a shame I cannot establish a proper friendship with him. And so when he ordered me back in June to delete and block my previous Master from my messenger and I didn’t do it, he told me that he would not speak to me the next 6 months or so. So I am expecting him back soon now, and no doubt he will be furious to not only know I still haven’t blocked F, but actually made friends with him now. I wonder how long his next sulking period will be then. Would I still start of with him again, if I would have to start over? Yes, certainly. He has been a massive support in many ways, and sure warmed me up very nicely for all sorts of possibilities within BDSM. Our relationship never went further than online contact, and that too I would keep. Because of his outrageous jealousy I don’t trust him, and wouldn’t like to be bound and helpless in his presence.

He led me to my first Master though. The relationship with him never developed in any direction I would have wanted, but the amount of stuff I learned and experienced is tremendous. Also the knowledge and sensitivity to what my limits were absolutely incredible. It took a long time for me to accept and understand that S&M is something that can be enjoyed outside a relationship, and I got quite stuck to him. Afterwards I realise that I had mainly fallen in love with the lifestyle, and that R at that time just represented all that for me. After a few months we started seeing each other socially and I am really glad to say that we have a very nice friendship. We see each other very regularly (although it has been ages ago now, but still very often in touch) and always have a great time. I certainly think R can see the difference in me between how he first met me and how I am now. I will ask him next week. And yes, for the wealth of experience I had in a very short time, and the knowledge I gained through him he would most certainly be chosen to be my first Master again.

During R's period of controle over me, I met with a few other Doms, in search of a relationship. Not easy considering that I was emotionally attached to R, but I had to try as that was not going anywhere. And so I met MJ. He had been a really good friend already. And we still are. Remember my post about my birthday party, and how MJ came to help me with my garden? MJ helps me lots, just by letting me ramble on and on about anything and everything. It must entertain him, how else can he stand it? Another very close friendship now. And again somebody who I am sure would say I have changed. Although not for the better lately, I know… He did complain, and with reason, about my appearance, and the mess in the house. I cannot ever imagine getting through a lot without MJ, so he is also definitely on my list of Doms I would pick again.

A bit later J came in my life, and once again a great friend now, but the contact is less regular. He has played rough with me, and made me discover the joys of stingy nettles. Something I was so scared of, but now very grateful for. He was very generous with name calling, and in a way it is very funny and also strange that I have gone from cunt/(cheap belgian)whore/fuck toy to hun. But he too has given me tremendous support. Absolutely indescribable he has been, the night I got dumped by my second Master. And for long after that too. Also he was a good balance with other S&M play I had, because he is slightly alternative I would say. So I would certainly not turn J down.

Then I met A. He came for a cup of tea, and and inspection. The inspection was of my house, the books I read, the music I listen to,… I found him very atttractive and powerful. A few emails afterwards but not a lot happened till later on. In February he came and gave me the hardest play. I still wear his scar. Would I have him again? Yes, certainly. That was a lesson I never forgot.

Then there was C, the millionnaire. We talked on the phone for ages, till I finally caved and met him back in May (see my post “Greying Out”). I suppose he was useful at the time. But I am not sure if I would necessarily want him back if I had to do it all over again. It was nice, but it could just as well have been somebody else.

Dr T was somebody I had a big crush on. I met him very briefly once and that made it worse (usually it is the other way round, fantasy turning into reality is usually a disappointment). He was very special, a bit freakish –oh dear, probably not PC to call a fellow BDSM’er like that- but he was there at important times when I needed him (although that was not on purpose and he didn’t know) to sweep me of my feet for a little while. No real play ever happened, but I would still say I pick him again. Because he was so completely different.

Then there are a few Doms that never got any further than Messenger and the phone. I won’t mention them. Apart from one then of course, who became my second Master. I don’t need to write about him, he has already dominated most of my blog so far. Glad to be friends with him now, after a horrible period of mourning over him. And I have to say thanks for that to my current Master. He has made me smile again, given me strenght and tons of self confidence. I wouldn’t be able to speak to F the way I do now, if it wasn’t for him. Would I go for him again? In a way he was the absolute perfect successor of my first Master. R developed me physically, and F did everything he could mentally, showing me the real me, made me discover parts of my character, helped me over a lot of shame and made me think. He was huge in my BDSM growth, and therefore I would have to say yes to him. Timing and distance were wrong. Although afterwards I realise that I was not a good slave for him. Back then I should have been the person I am now to make that happen. And maybe then timing and distance wouldn’t have been issues. As for the change in me since last year, I wonder if he noticed it, and what he’d say about it.

One new Dom came to me during the reign of F. A younger man, who has given me upmost enjoyable play. Yes, I would have him again (more than once!). He did wonders for my self confidence.

After F came many others, desperately trying to get over him. Lots purely online again, some physical encounters. One of them was R. One meeting which resulted in short play, which was wonderful. The perfect Dom for me I would almost say. I get along with him wonderfully well, and also D/s would work very well between us. But instead I fell in love with A, my current Master who had strong influence on me around the same time I met R. Also R I would do over again. He was a very good experience, giving me knowledge that there is more than one Dom compatible with me –seems silly but that was sort of a fear after F, thinking I would never find anybody with whom our needs would be such a close match.

My journey led me to A ultimately. How our D/s relation will develop is still an open question for me, if there will be any S&M is also not clear at this moment. But what I do know is that I can look forward to a beautiful life with him. And although we have been togeher quite a few months now, I can’t wait for us to properly start. To both settle down, live not so far away from each other and start enjoying the discovery of us.

COMPETITION

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MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES

Slave, sub, brat, domme, frustrated, perverted, normal/vanilla, straight, bi, …? Thank goodness for some well structured and informing personality test available for free on the internet! (yes, that is slight sarcasm)

It is a typical woman’s thing I suppose. I can’t resist a personality test, knowing full well they are totally see-through and very often lack decent scientific foundation. Nevertheless, today I received a link and so…

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=18217996183708158422 In this test you find out wether you are submissive or dominant. Eagerly I started answering the questions, still a little curious the outcome. After all, I may think I am submissive, I may know and feel it, very often I get “accused” (sorry my dear Dom-friends, but I can’t think of a better description) of being bossy and dominant. But not only did the test result show me as a submissive, it goes further and tells me what a slave I am!

The slave You scored 25
Whoa! You spend a lot of time on your knees and pleasing your partner. You make decisions which are clearly for the benefit of maintaining a relationship that lands your parter at the top of the teeter-totter.. awesome, your partner, if they're dominant, is probably very happy!

Now then, surprised after all. After a very long time struggling with the concept of submissive versus slave I finally figured out (or so I thought) the real difference and where I fit in. It was a very simple sentence in a conversation with a new Dom-friend R. He was telling me about some play he had with some subs, and in between he mentioned about one of them being a slave cause she had given up her free will to him. Lights went on! No, definitely I am not a slave. I cannot give up my own will. First of all for the sake of my little girl. But even if it wasn’t for her, would I be able to do it? No, I don’t think so. I am known for my strong character and will. Would I want to give that up? Even though it might only be the image? Am I not really made of mostly image? Strong, indepent, dominant…

Let’s be honest here. Strong? I have got the best friends in the world, who each on their turn or sometimes in a combined effort carry and pull me through the bad stuff. Now I am sitting on a bed of roses. The kindness, logic, good advice and care from my Master makes me slide over and past my current problems and difficulties. But none of the strenght I have ever shown comes from me.

Indepent? Again all outwardly pretences. This is so clear to me, when every night at 10 I get nervous, stomach aches, restless, … I start pestering my poor Master then -who really deserves a break from me by now- and need his attention. I need to hear his voice, or read an email, … I am only happy when I can openly display my dependency. Again I really have to thank my Master, for all his patience with me, his understanding, and his approval of my behaviour in this way.

Dominant then? This always makes me laugh. Oh how easy this one is! Yes, I tried it. There, I admit it. I have once played somebody’s Mistress for about a week or so. But I would like to put the emphasis on “played”. It was during some sort of involvement with a switch, and I wanted to do him a favour (I aim to please after all!!). I was very good at it, so I was told. And the poor guy fell in love with me, after which it all went sour. Cause I hated it. Absolutely, totally hated it. But doing it was not hard. Not that difficult to figure out if you know I have some great examples and a lot of Dom-friends.

But as should be known by know, in my heart all I want is to be dominated, follow and look up to the man I belong to, serve and please, obey and be punished when I fail.

Does all this make me weak and incapable then? Also not true I think. I might not have total strenght, and be very needy for the attention of my Master, I still have some sense. I am aware of my weaknesses, and am able to think of a solution. For example at the time my previous Master dumped me, and I was broken. I knew I had to turn to my friends for help and strenght. Cause I was very well aware of the influence others have on me, and therefore used that to make me stronger at that time. Also I have a very strong optimistic view, and have learned to put things in perspective and masses of sense of humor. So all this makes me quite balanced… I think. (no floods of comments please proving the opposite!)

Back to the test… Slave! It brings a smile to my face, I can’t help it. Just like a little while ago when my previous Master called me slavin again playfully, whilst I was disagreeing with him about the good of rules and regulations. That felt good. What is it with me? I know I am not, and never will be. I accepted this, but somehow still I like the idea a little at times. But why? Sure the word is super sexy, and the concept gets “romanticed” in books or other media. But I am above all that (yes, pun intended). Do I deep down inside really long for giving up my own free will? Or is it because I know this will never happen, that I know I cannot deliver this promise, that fantasising about it is now a option? And fantasising is “safe”, easy to do, and I don’t compromise anything by doing so.

So, no slave for real, but submissive for sure. And loving it! Only two more sleeps until my Master is back. And how I long for being calm at his feet again…

MY PORCELAIN DOLL

This blog entry will be slightly different. It will be more fantasy than reality. I’ve decided on this after endless amounts of time starting a “proper” blog, talking about everything that goes on.

So despite, or more likely, just because of all that is happening in my life at the moment (such as divorce proceedings, looking for a new job abroad and housing, very deep concerns about the welfare of my lovely little girl, being in love and separated from the man that makes me happy), none of that will be described or talked about today. Instead a bit of fantasy mixed with reality.

I have a friend, a young girl so pretty she seems as if she could break. A very beautiful body, cute dark curls around her little face, pale as porcelain… So often I would like to put her in a glass cabinet, protected from the harm outside, and I could stand in front of her and admire her fragile beauty.

Yesterday I was at a party, when she pulled me playfully against herself. She whispered me her dirty little secrets in my ear, cause I am the only one she can trust with them. It created a nice intimate atmosphere between us. We laughed and giggled, and embraced and kissed. N. took the liberty to start provocing the rest of the room by rubbing her breast against mine, knowing very well I love to shock and cause hilarity or sometimes even aversion or disapproval, but mostly I like to arouse and what better than some lesbian behaviour publicly exposed.
We gave each other some loving little kisses again, and I told her how enjoyable she was, which touched a nerve. At the dinner table she sat next to me, on her knees on the floor and I offered to get a chair for her. She looked at me with a playful smile, telling me that she as well knows her place. I stroked her hair, and could not do anything else but smile back at her. Eventually we ended up sharing a chair, very often cuddled up to each other. I especially embraced her when she told me how she liked rules, and a wave of warmth and understanding came over me. I held her tight when it was my turn then to whisper in her ear, and told her how much of a subbie she really is.

Quite a while ago I told her how I feel she would fit in so well, and what a fantastic little sub she is. More so than me. For me being submissive means obeying rules that are created for me, pleasing my Master –but mostly in a sexual way, feeling the joy of humiliation, being tested –sometimes involving pain, being ordered,… all of this is mainly based on perverted fantasy. Subservient however is not something that comes easy. Although sometimes it might look a little like I do, I know these actions do not stem from the desire to serve somebody, but from motherly feelings/instincts, the desire to look after somebody and take care of them (thanks to both my previous Masters I have understood this now).
But N. is always running and serving everybody around her. It is simply what she does and who she is.

When saying goodbye after a very close and cosy evening by her side, she told me how much she loves me and how much she will miss me when I am gone. Again a warmth went through my whole body, and I told her how I wish I could take her with me, and take care of her. And she wished the same.

I’d ask my Master if I could keep her. She would have to help me getting dressed and made up in the mornings, do my ironing and cleaning. In the evenings I would cook for her, we’d chat and cuddle a bit after which she would be free until bedtime.
I would then be ready to devote my time to my Master. When N. would be back home or ready for bed after doing her own little things, I would put her in bed. I would read her stories, or tie her up and blindfold her –whatever mood I’d be in. But I’d be gentle and soft, loving and caring, and make her fall asleep with a smile on her face.
I would teach her, not only about submissiveness, but mostly about enjoyment and the beauty in life. Because that is the most recent lesson I had…

IT’S ALL SO LOGICAL, SO MAGICAL…

I failed to submit last night. And I don’t seem to mind. What strange experiences I have these days…

After months of initially meeting this couple, I finally set a play date with them. Of course after clearing it with my Master. But that was exactly it, I cleared it with him. There was nothing more to it. I didn’t go because he told me, or even suggested it. He didn’t prepare me, or got involved in any other way. He just let me do it. When I spoke to him, making the request for this playdate, I even heard some reluctance in His voice. Although that could have been wishful thinking of course.

Some people might look strangely at me, or some even crease up laughing, when I tell that I have a deep desire to be faithful. But there are a few, who would nod when they see this. My first Master for example, got pestered with long letters from me, in which I explained this part of me. My second Master too had to answer questions from me, as to why he didn’t allow me to save myself for him, and be faithful. But he went even futher and managed to get me to actually enjoy myself with others. I suppose I had given in to the idea that this was my only choice. Especially since it was almost my only source for orgasms too. So but now, overwhelmed with feelings of love and yearning for my far-away Master, the desire to keep my body for His use only is immensly overpowering.

It made last evening stand out from all other play I had before.
When I arrived (late, as usual…), I was immediately told to stand against the wall, my nose touching the wall keeping my arms to the side. He took my handbag off me and let his hands go through my hair, down my neck onto my shoulders. Very firmly he felt up my whole body, as if I was he was searching me. Already, right then, I felt wrong. All I could think of was how much I wanted to feel the hands of my Master doing this, and in a reaction to this thought I felt horrible for it being somebody else letting enjoy me. When I got dragged upstairs, where I got undressed and hurt in his bedroom, I felt even worse. The pain was terrible, I could not enjoy any of it, and felt like crying.
After some time, I asked them to stop and sat up. I told them I was very sorry but that I had second thoughts and didn’t want to continue. The woman held me and asked me why. I couldn’t help it and burst out in tears. Real floods. I told her that she might think I was being silly, but that I really truly like my new Master, and that I felt wrong being with them. She hugged me and told me that it was certainly not silly, but very beautiful. I explained to her that the relationship I have now, feels different. That suddenly I don’t have to go out and play. The man gave his opinion this time, by telling me that my previous Master probably liked doing this for the stories he would get out of it, and that I should feel really good about the fact that I now have somebody who really seems to care for me. The woman hugged me some more, and I apologised profusely for stopping the play. But they didn’t even want to hear it. I stayed for a drink, but then rushed home, cause I needed to talk to my Master. I needed his voice, for that bit of comfort and settling down all the crazy emotions I had rushing through me again.

Thankfully he was home, and I could call him. And even more, he was very calm about it, and he settled me indeed. It was really simple, although impossible at the same time. All I needed was to be quiet in his arms. And I was, although not really physically, we got as close as we possible could to it.

When I woke up this morning, and I opened my eyes, I was surprised not to see him lying next to me. It had felt so real…

NO KIDDING

The “second child syndrome” is what it was called by the mother who’s baby I was holding last week. It freaked me a little, and inside I was screaming NO! It can’t be, and it isn’t. I am sure… But, how wonderful it was to hold this little creature in my arms. So tiny, with these wonderful big eyes that babies have, so open and innocently staring at everything that she cannot grasp yet, completely relaxed and trusting my arms that were carrying her and rocking her gently as I was walking around my room in the office. I caught myself smelling her, but that typical babysmell had already gone. The pleasant feeling I got whilst holding her overwhelmed me a little, or surprised me is perhaps better explained.

Kids, of course something I think about a lot. And not just the one little angel I already got. She was a miracle and has certainly changed my life and in many ways my thinking and deeper emotions. And there have been many internal debates about a second child… I never wanted another child, I knew that as soon as I held her in my arms. She was my one. Besides practical objections such as money, fertility issues and relationship problems (as if that is not enough to decide against it), there was also and most importantly emotional and psychological struggling with the idea. I would be very afraid never to be able to love my second child as much as I love my child, I don’t think I can handle twice the worry and wonder where I would have to get the energy from,…. The only thing that made me doubt still, is the feeling of guilt of denying her a sibbling, somebody to share with and have that special bond that you can’t find anywhere else. But then again, there is a lot to say against sibblings too…

And so, again I have to write about how lucky I am with the Master I have. Because, how rare it is to find a man without kids of his own -who he then would put first before mine, who also doesn’t have the need to have his own offspring, but at the same time is good with kids and is extremely thoughtful when it comes to my little my little girl. Lucky lucky lucky me!!!

My Master, more and more, every day, we are getting closer. I am very nervous still, feel very insecure. But soon, very soon now we will meet. And hopefully, besides intense passion, it will also bring a sense of safety. Although something has already eased me, it made me feel strangely proud and calmed my uncertainties. He told his family about me! Oh, if I could only kiss him for this…

Today, finishing with a long quote by Anais Nin. A piece of text that cannot express it any better I think…

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

BURNT LASAGNA

Despite my previous blog, some things never change… I do however take great pride in my cooking, and I make some killer-lasagnas, but very often I get distracted once it’s in the oven. And so today again, nothing different. Chatting, watching pics of stocks and benches,… good enough for me to forget I was cooking.

Last weekend I attended my very first fetish party. And I had the best time ever! For as long as I knew I was going, I had been very nervous about it. Didn’t know what I was going to wear, and convinced that whatever it was I would look terrible in it; afraid nobody would talk to me; nervous about any rules –especially worried I had to wear underwear; afraid I wouldn’t be able to cope with any play;… My usual neverending worrying.

But instead it was as if I finally found a home. It was simply amazing. Never ever have I been with such a bunch of incredibly nice people. The openness, acceptance, non-at-all-judgemental atmosphere, plain friendliness, and social behaviour I have not found anywhere else yet. The total and utter shameless fun I had… indescribable. I never knew I could feel that way, mentally and physically. Hopefully I will be allowed to go again next month. (I’ll try to wear my own dress, so I don’t have to borrow yours, slave).

My blog today will be kept short (!). I am extremely tired. My new Master is wearing me out. Whilst my previous Masters gave me bedtime, this time I have found a true nightowl-buddy. Only, He is a lot better at it than I am. But, this could just well be His tactic haha. I am feeling very docile with this tiredness. Combined with a constant grin on my face and a very warm feeling inside, also very relaxed and therefore horny; this makes me very submissive. I actually didn’t realise I could be made to feel this way in what can be called a nice way. I mean, no harsh words, no direct commands / demands, no complicated tasks… Just naturally unforced submissiveness towards Him. That feels downright good.

CH-CH-CHANGES

It has been a very long time ago since the last update… and you can guess what that means… So go make a flask of cofffee and grab something to eat… this could take a while.

First of all, welcome to my new-look blog. All thanks to the new man in charge. Yes, you’re reading it right. After long time crying, spending my time wandering (crawling) from man to man –which made me being called an immoral slut by one of them, doubting, feeling generally unhappy, etc… suddenly somebody made me fall for him. Just like that. Amazing, wonderful, incredible! But more about it later… let’s go back a few weeks (I should have updated my blog better!).

Talking, chatting, writing, and meeting lots of Doms. Looking back now I wonder where I got the time from. Keith, Tim, Timothy, James, Jim, JP, Andrew, Andy, another Andrew, Rick, Rob …and I am sure I am missing a few ones. Some had a bit more inpact than others, some more intens conversations, and even a few meetings. A few of them offered me a very interesting life style, and even made me doubt about accepting. But I felt stuck. And I knew only one way out. So I wrote, once again, to Frans. It was a begging email, on hands and knees I pleaded him to speak to me and told him I needed his advice. To my surprise (total shock more like) he actually replied and agreed to talk to me on MSN for an hour. He did give me very good advice. Despite all the bad feelings I might have towards him, I do have to be thankful for that. Firstly he made me see I was not ready for the offer I had, pointed out very simply by using the example of something I wrote in the email, that I was still attached to him. I asked him what I had to do get detached then, and he told me only time and the right people would do this for me. But then he also told me, and this was the best part of the whole conversation, that I should not look for an almost exact copy of him. That would not work. And it is just that, I now realise, is very true. I am so happy that he was kind enough to tell me, cause I did take that piece of advice on board… and what a result indeed!
But the result came later. First I have been very stupid, and allowed myself a little set back. I “cybered” with Frans, he even made me cum (cumming whilst crying your heart out is not fun by the way). I have beaten myself up over it, trust me. But in the end it all contributed and helped me in seeing him for who he really is.

In the mean time, at some stage, I had time to have my birthday party. Now, it has to be said, once again, if it wasn’t for my friends…! The party was at the end of a week during which I wasn’t feeling all that fantastic. One of the Doms I was talking to had called me immoral and without self-respect because I allow myself to have casual sex. And although I didn’t agree, and showed my most opiniated stubborn side to him about this, it still threw me. Of course I try not to show it, but I do get to be made to feel insecure very quickly. And it takes a lot longer to reinstate self confidence again. But my friends pulled through. One of my Dom friends came to do my garden (ok… all subs hands up who can make a Dom do their garden please LOL), my friend Tracy did all the catering, I had help with the decorations,… It was simply truly amazing. The evening itself was a success. So much fun, vanilla and perverts all mixed very well indeed. My slave friend was the best bodyguard a couple of girls could have –Tracy stayed over, but also a stranger which I had invited. And the next day slave tidied up the mess, whilst I got my little one from the childminder. At one stage during the evening I had a quiet moment (oh yes…), looked around the table and felt so grateful. There they were, all coming from far away, to be with me for my birthday. A very warm glow went through me… until somebody (yes, I am looking at you slave!) put icecubes down my dress. Thinking about it; the warm glow might have been the candlewax… haha, yes it was a fun night!

On my birthday itself I got a new blow. I found out how very little my ex-husband (to be) cares about our little girl. Totally heartbroken I was over it. Now several weeks further I have come to terms with it. Actually part of the whole of my-new-Master-story starts here. I had written to him about this, quite distressed. And his reply was extremely intelligent, and very well-written. That was definitely one of the defining clicks in me. I also spoke with one of my directors, G, about this. G is very good at child-psychology and has given me very good advice and helped me to put things in perspective. To all this is a very important aspect; my ex gave me permission to move back to Belgium. This is not for immediate yet, and a lot of work and arrangements will have to be made. But going back home… wow! And now it is not just going home; it also means getting close to my new Master (He lives in the Netherlands).

There is so much I want to write about Him. His intelligence, kindness, warmth, incredible eyes, beautiful smile, and passion that is so visible in all he writes. What fantastic discovery it is going to be when exploring this man. I am already impatient, want to know everything about him, claim him, and indeed also serve him. However that will be. I will try to savour every little moment and try not to be too greedy. I’ll be grateful for every minute spent with him and although yearning for the next, not make it trivialise the current one.

So changes indeed…

To end this blog, I would like to ask everybody to burn a few candles with me during the evenings. A candle for a mother of two little boys, being told she only has 3-6 months to live, and a candle for the little son of one of my colleagues, who suddenly stopped breathing on the playground in school and is now in a coma, whilst his parents have to observe him totally helpless.

AN INTERESTING QUESTION

How do you feel about being a slave?

This question was asked by K, a dom from Southampton who I had the most wonderful conversations with in the last week (on a date with him next week, everybody cross fingers please!).

I found it difficult to answer. Mainly I think because there seems to be a variety of understandings about the term. And so, I had to first explain and figure out what I thought Frans meant with it when he called me “slavin”, a word I find more beautiful than anything else still.

And so I came to the conclusion that it meant hard work, a slave works. Everything had to be done for him, I would have had to follow him round everywhere he went and then do whatever he wanted. From things like making the coffee or taking something out of the cupboard, to wiping his cock after weeing.
Also, I think a slave offers a deeper form of submissiveness, and gives up certain rights. For example the right to clothing, orgasms, …
Very important to Frans was also no longer being allowed to use a stopword during physical play.
He wanted an all-round complete surrender (apart from my responsibilities towards my child).

And I had no problem with it. I loved it and it had set me free in a way. It felt liberating to be allowed to be his slavin. It was difficult at times though. Because he tolerated no mistakes, and was very harsh in his punishments.

Still, I didn’t really live it. He was after all not here. And altough I did everything he said, felt extremely submissive towards him, and certainly developed certain areas of my personality it was not 100% real. And so the big question is if I would have been happy in true slavery. And that I don’t know of course.

I do know however, that I do not want to become an object, loose my identity or femininity. Which is perhaps what some people would understand as being part of slavery.

Despite some good prospects, lots of distraction, lots of work, birthday coming up, etc... still struggling with the idea of Frans. I hate to admit it, especially to friends, because they know me as a happy, optimistic, can-take-it-all-and-move-on-quickly type, and I don’t want to bore them so don’t talk about it. But there is still not a day that goes past without thinking of him. And still not with a smile on my face for the good he has brought to my life. I am actually kind of bitter almost about him. I keep wondering why he had to come into my life, with what purpose. And why the hell it hurts so much for so long.

Closing today with a quote from Diogenes of Synope:
“The art of being a slave is to rule one's master.”

IT’S RAINING MEN

High time for a happier blog. Today I took a sick day, and lazed in bed all morning. Apart from masturbating, I also caught up on watching some DVD’s. Until I got “found out” by R. Then I had to rush out of bed and start the tidy up of a lifetime and a quick shower to look a tiny bit presentable –and not like someone who has been feeling sorry for herself for ages.

It sort of worked, but he immediately found the room in which all the laundry was quickly thrown onto a pile, gathered from the floor in the whole rest of the house. So although it looked tidy, the magic of it was spoilt.

After he left, I got on with a bit of work in Access (one of my favourite passtimes, I’m ashamed to say). Whilst doing this, I downloaded a few songs. Uplifting disco tunes (no, I am not a closet disco diva disguised as goth) I had heard at a wedding party last weekend. I got up and danced and sang to “I will survive”, “I am what I am” and “It’s raining men”.

I know, I know, when you’re all done laughing and pulled yourself back onto your chairs reading this… It worked!! I am actually feeling better. I’m even thinking of changing my profiles again.

Last week I started writing to Frans. I thought long and hard about it, and decided to just start writing. Just get things off my chest that way, but in a calm and composed way. I love writing, and can spend absolute hours on searching for the right words and trying to find the right tonality. The aim is to create a very calm, but still sharpish and to the point letter. Every day, or whenever I can and feel up to, I add little bits. Until everything is said. Then I will re-read it a dozen times and sleep on it. Whether or not I will ever send it, I haven’t decided yet. But I do think it will help myself to come to terms with it, be calm in my grief, and perhaps get more insight and clarity in the why it hurts so much.

This weekend was also special, although in a completely different way. I experienced a massive culture shock! It was at the wedding party, where I saw a group of 4 bleached blond women, wearing sparkly dresses… The “blond club” made me cringe, and I looked with a painful expression on my face at them, when they came to dance in a circle on the dancefloor. I was just telling my Friend N (female, also dark-haired) about how horrible a sight it was to me, and that I thought that this type of stereotype woman didn’t really exist, but got exhagerated through humor. But oh no…it got worse…. They then put their handbag in the middle of their cirle –now clearly marked cause they were holding hands…!!!!!! I had to look away….This was not true, it couldn’t be! Oh my… oh my…. no, I couldn’t believe it. It is not a myth… they really do exist!!

I ran away, to my boss P. He is like a father, and always find him to be like a safe haven. And indeed now as well, when he saw me shaking like a leave whilst I was explaining I needed him to get over the shock, he did the right thing and got me a double vodka and orange juice. He kept me well topped up the rest of the night. Such a wise man!

So, planning on not crying the whole rest of the day. I keep the uplifting music going. I just had an online chat with the man of the couple I will be meeting this weekend and that was nice. Also tonight I got another online chat planned, with a dom from London who seems interesting. And then later tonight looking forward to a very horny conversation with T on the phone.

To finish this blog, I share a quote I came across last week and made me realise again how single life is to be cherished and treasured. Cause sadly all too right she was when Katherine Hepburn said:

"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."

GREYING OUT

Long overdue, some talk about play and orgasms!

My last play was quite different from what I experienced up to now. It was all a bit strange, my first play without Frans being in charge of me. And of course that was very much on my mind, in the way that I was constantly trying to push it out of my mind.

But I took the step very quickly to go out and “have fun”. I literally forced myself to do this because I didn’t want to be beaten by the feeling of grief.

So when I met up with C in London, the evening started very nice and I got taken out to dinner. When he realised it was my first time in the capital, he drove me round and showed me some famous buildings before stopping the car to start me off in some sexual activities. Nothing outrageous, and nothing I never done in even vanilla life. Soon then to the hotel.

After quickly freshening up in the bathroom I entered the room and sat myself down in a chair next to him, but I got ordered to stand in front of him. And from then on it was clear he would order me what to do. All the time before, since September last year, all the contact I had with him, it was very friendly and funny, but I never found him to be very dominant. That was one of the reasons I hesitated so long to meet him. But luckily he stepped up. It was an enormous thrill to have to take his belt off and then hand it to him…
I fell in love with the belt after reading a story Frans wrote once, which featured it. Despite it being a punishment instrument, it is so erotic and attractive. And I have fantasised about it since a lot.

Back to the night… after taking the belt -positioned bent over a table- I was put in a corner and got hit a little more by something else, but I don’t know what it was, cause I was not allowed to look behind me. I then got fingered and it was clear to me that C wanted me to orgasm.
And I faked it, for the first time in a long while I faked it. And oh my, I missed Frans so much at that moment! I used to fake a lot of my orgasms, faked them much more than I had them actually. And I had told Frans about it before he became my master. Once he controlled me, he forbade me to do this again. So when I stood there, faking it again, I could have cried. Instead we moved on, to the bed. Lots and lots of all sorts of sex.

Very important here was the anal sex I had. It is not something I have written about yet, but I damaged myself following up punishment instructions from Frans during our last two weeks. And it took a long time to heal. One of my friends had adviced me to make anal sex a hard limit for a few months, to let myself get completely healed again. But I couldn’t wait that long and I am very (very very) happy to say it went well. C used me anally, but also used different other things to insert and fuck me with and I reached my first real orgasm of the night lying on my back, having to masturbate for him, whilst he fucked me anally with a very interesting feeling toy.

There was lots more sex to be had and given, and he made me work like a proper whore. I even got a second real orgasm (faked another three).

Then the time was there to put on my collar with leash. And that was the hardest part of the evening. I bought these exactly two weeks before getting dumped following his instructions. I bought them with his taste in mind, hoping to be wearing it for a long time still. It felt fabulous and put it on as soon as I got home from work every day. It was of course not proper collaring towards him, but it was meant to be a constant reminder of my place, and the leash would be used by him to lead me –literally- later on. When I got his awful email, it was also the very first thing, my very first reaction, to take the collar off.
I sat on the bed, and put the collar around my neck, trying to close it, and had to bite away the tears. It was the first time I put it on again, and it was hard. But I fought the bad feeling, and let C use it, which he did well.

More sex, sometimes blindfolded. But no more pain, or spanking (maybe now and then a hand quickly slapping me, but nothing real). Till about 4h30 in the morning.

The rest of the story, everybody knows (and laughed about!).

I got more play planned, albeit completely different. But I will tell more about it another day soon. I will meet the couple this Friday coming…

My days still begin with tears, and also still end with it. I hate myself for being so sad, and I do try to fight it, anyway I know and can.
I’ve started conversations –email and on the telephone- with a dom, who is looking for a slave girl. There are certainly areas in which we seem compatible. But I am scared. My real longing still goes out to Frans. And I don’t want to use this new contact (let’s call him T) in an attempt to get over Frans, to then discover I don’t have true feelings for him and ending up hurting him, who might be a “nice guy” for a change. Of course, it is possible I develop real and true feelings for him, beyond just being horny over his cage, and wouldn’t it be silly to throw away a possible good thing. Although I do expect I’ll be the one again left standing cold and hurt.

Somebody told me the NLP method of getting somebody out of mind. It is called greying out. Whenever his imagine comes into my head again, I should focus on it, seeing it clearly and slowly make it go black and white. From there onwards, I should make it all go grey, make it look completely vague and disappear within the background.
I will try this. But it will not be easy. As at the moment, I am trying so hard not to get his image into my mind. I don’t look at his pictures, although of course now I am writing about him again, the images are very sharp. And when I think of having to grey him out, what a shame!! The line around his mouth, his beautiful lips… *breaking down in tears again*

I need to get a grip. Somebody please come give me a cuddle and kick me up the ass.

HOPE MAKES HARD

Finding it very difficult today. Woke up thinking about Frans, and can't shift the thoughts. Despite some wonderful emails I shared with -what seems to be- a promising new contact.

But maybe that is what makes it difficult... Hard to explain, but the better things he wrote, the more I thought of Frans, and all the wonderful things I read from him.

Oh damned, this is really hard. Can somebody please tell me how to get him out of my head? Every time I think I feel better, it just comes down on me again. I would already be grateful for one day without having to think of him. Or to be able to think of him differently and not long for him. This is so stupid!

LOST

The day after I got email from Frans, I replied to him. I know that in his email he stated he didn’t want any more contact, but I did not comply to this wish. After all, I was no longer his slave…. And so I wrote….(again translated as good as possible)

Good morning Frans,

So, You let yourself get caught then?

Your email to me yesterday was particularly rotten, but i do understand it was written for her more than for me.

i do believe though, that You also think i deserve a slightly better ending, or at least that we should be able to say goodbye to each other in a decent way. Surely i won’t be the only one of us that will miss the other one?

i can only try to imagine what You had to go through yesterday, and therefore i write from an email address that You don’t have, and i write to Your work hoping it won’t be read. It is of course not my meaning to get You into even more trouble.

i will leave my details in this email, and hope You will keep them for a while. Of course i am totally broken up and stuff over this, but i do hope that You know me by now well enough that You understand i can put this loss in perspective. And if You want to, then you can always still contact me as a friend. You’re very welcome even. i will switch my button from whorish and horny to friendly and warm.

That You will need some time to build up trust again with Your girlfriend is of course also something i can understand. i hope You’ll succeed.

Hoping for a day that we can talk to each other again, to give a nice ending to what otherwise was a very beautiful internet relationship...

Lots of love,


All I was hoping for, was a little comment, an apology for the rude break up, confirmation of what I thought, … something! But nope, till this day absolutely nothing.

I want to make clear to you readers, that I am not broken up over the fact that he has a girlfriend. These things happen. But I am devastated over the way he dumped me. “Callous” is how one of my friends called it. I had to look it up in the dictionary, and came up with: heartless, unfeeling, coldhearted, uncaring, insensitive, cold, cruel, hard… And yes, that is exactly it! This makes me very sad.

And the one thing, the very one thing I hate, absolutely totally hate, and he knew, is the lies!! Why did he lie?? I don’t know of course how long he has this girlfriend, although I am pretty sure I can make a good guess. I actually literally wrote to him at the time (cause I felt there was something wrong-it was around christmas) that I did not want him to string me along and if he no longer wanted me to be his slave all he had to do was tell me. Or at least he should have given me an honest choice!! Tell me his dilemma, having a girlfriend in the Netherlands of who is was perhaps not sure or something. But no lies!!! For that I am very angry.

The last fortnight I served him was horrendously hard, and had me physically broken, not to mention how I felt emotionally. This of course makes the sudden break up more difficult to accept.

He seemed like such a warm, caring, understanding and loving man. How can he not respond to me? I thought my email was nice enough.

I am thinking of sending him a second email. One that isn’t so nice. One in which I tell him how irresponsible he has acted with me the last two weeks and his awful email. But then sometimes I think he is not worth my time.

I still miss him though…

But I am so grateful for all my friends, for without whom I would be a total mess. Instead I am being looked after, comforted, cheered up and held up strong.

One of my friends told me not to beat myself up over something he did. That stuck, and was a very helpful comment. Cause indeed that is what I seem to do (a lot in general). I felt so stupid, for letting myself in so deep, refusing to see the lies. But then, it wasn’t me lying, in fact I trusted him despite a nagging feeling I had. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and believed in him. That is a good thing! And it makes me the better person of the two of us. I refuse to give up my believe in the good of people, and fill my heart with mistrust and suspicion. Because one day, a deserving person might come along…

I am also a great believer in “what goes around, comes around”.

But, I am rambling again now. Perhaps not making total sense.

I’ll close this blog with something I read somewhere, which is appropriate, to everybody.

Nobody deserves your tears. And the ones that would, don’t make you cry.

SPECIAL ADDITION

I was planning on writing a blog this weekend about my last few weeks under my previous Master, the sudden break up and my feelings towards him. But something happened this weekend, and so this has become a “special addition”.

Yesterday I went out to play. My first play without directions from my previous Master in a long time. I knew it was not going to be what I would call a hard or difficult session, and therefore picked him. This dom, let’s call him C, has chased me since September last year, and put quite a bit of effort into it as well. I was never that keen on him, for several reasons, and managed to hold off any meetings. But now I couldn’t really think of any excuse not to go see him, plus that I convinced myself that he might be the perfect one to start playing again without feeling too lost now I haven’t got Frans any more. By now I was quite familiar with C, even though our contact has been only by phone, and he seemed nice enough.
So, off I went, to the big city (my first time in London), routeplanner on the passenger seat and my new dog collar and lead in my handbag. I arrived around 11pm, and parked where C told me too (good sub! –well that is after arguing over the first place he pointed out to me, where I didn’t want to park cause there was a yellow line). I ended up being parked only around the corner from the hotel, so I left my comfy shoes in the car, knowing I wouldn’t have far to go the next morning in my beautiful stillettos.

What happened on the night, the playsession and some of the feelings, I will write another time.

This morning, after some nice hotel breakfast (I just LOVE 4-star hotel breakfasts) I went to my car, well in time (I wanted to be in Bristol for 1pm to attend a munch). Shock/horror… my car gone! Whilst walking around the square, trying to call C in a panic (who didn’t answer the phone), still hoping I would see my car somewhere, loads of things went through my mind, and I started to loose “it” a little. My feet were killing me, I had three hours sleep after an unusual night, and I panicked. Really panicked.I took my shoes off and wondered around the square bare feet still trying to find my car, half crying, still trying to get in touch with C when I saw a parking attendant. I asked him if he thought my car could have been towed away, so he gave me a phone number to call. And yep! They got it. Some relief, at least it wasn’t stolen. But that didn’t stop the tears starting to flood. Because suddenly I was faced with the problem of finding the compound, having no money to release the car, etc….

I asked directions, but the parking attendant wasn’t sure. He told me to put my shoes on but I couldn’t. I was going to have to walk for a while, trying to find this place without a clue. And so that left me, shoes in hands, bare feet, sobbing my heart out, wandering the streets of London in despair. Until I couldn’t see the point any more and used my petrol money to pay for a taxi. The very nice driver took pitty on me when he dropped me off at the compound and gave me some discount on the fare.

It was very daunting. The office was deep below, with special fences and locked doors and protected glass and stuff. The men dealing with the payments and collections all looked very stern. I explained to them that they have my car, but that I didn’t have any money. I asked them if they could forward the fine to my home or something, and that I would pay on the 25th when my wages come in. But that is not how it works. The car does not get released until it is paid. Worse, they can only hold it for 7 days (at an additional cost of £25 per day). The cost to get it out today was £200 (rip-off???).

By then, I was completely and totally lost, panicked, and was devestated. I can not describe my desperation and cried my eyes out. I was allowed to get my other shoes from the car (aren’t they just the sweetest!). And I was told to go phone a friend.

Back upstairs (because down under the ground in that horrible cement cellar my mobile didn’t get a signal) I called R.

And now we come to my point of this blog. We come to the special bit of this “special addition”.
In this blog, and with this blog I would like to praise R. It is nearly a year now that I know him, and despite all my other weird and wonderful friends, he does stand out and is very special.

I can come with the strangest requests to him, and he won’t bat an eyelid. He always manges to calm me down, no matter how great my distress. I can talk about anything, without having to be ashamed. We can talk for hours, about anything and everything. I just love the way he sits himself back, ready to listen again to one of my crazy and confused tellings, to then comment on it which makes it all clear and understandable for me again. My little girl loves him (she told me she wants one like him when she grows up when she saw a pic of him in his biker leathers!) and he spoils us with little pressies very often. Whenever we have an evening planned, it is always the highlight of my week and always look forward to his company.
Now and then he does upset me with things he says, but he can get away with murder. Don’t know exactly what it is, but he’s got something boyish about him, despite his bitterness, which makes me believe that he really does not do anything to deliberately hurt me. Actually, he has very often proven his sensitivity towards me, and seems very careful. And so I do believe in the innocence of some of his comments that hit me.

He is a very dear friend, and I get tremendous support from him, also with some of my submissive needs. And I am so grateful to know him, and to be allowd to call him my friend.

And so, when I was told to go call a friend, he was the one that came immediately to mind. It was so good to hear his calm voice, and without any doubt he bailed me out. I’ll never be able to thank him enough for this.

I got a little messed with more, when I went back with the payment details. Got told that they couldn’t accept this payment without the person present (I nearly completely freaked!!), but then got a phone number I could call and my payment would get registered soon after that call.
So back upstairs, and of course that phonecall didn’t go smooth either. They couldn’t find the reference number of my ticket, but then eventually found it by my numberplate. Apparantly I got two tickets. But I could not understand what the second ticket was for, and how much that is going to cost me.

Whilst I was making that phonecall, a message on my voice mail came in. My ex-husband had some snotty comments again. I called him back, half histerical crying, telling him off for always being nasty to me no matter what I do for him etc. He was very surprised to hear me like that (he is used that I let him walk all over me) and apologised.

I got home somewhere between 3 and 4 that afternoon. I spoke to R in the car, whilst I was trying to fight my way out of London onto the M4. He managed to make me laugh and joke and was extremely kind again.

C called me back later that day, and promised to give me the money back, because he felt responsible for what happened. So hopefully he will come through and all ends well. Apart from that I am slightly traumatised haha.

I have to go to bed now. But I’ll keep my blog updated again from now on.

BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST...?

The email I received last week Sunday evening –translated as good as possible…

H,I have been thinking very hard these last two weeks and came to the conclusion that our relation is not right. I have a girlfriend here in the Netherlands with whom I want to continue en therefore can no longer do this with you.

Also I don’t have any more desire to have any kind of further contact with you, not via mail, chat or otherwise.

Greetings,Frans


I pretend I’m ok…but at night I can’t sleep and can’t stop the tears. Only sadists can cause this kinda hurt.

PLEASURE OVERLOAD

Unbelievable but true! Found some time to ramble on and on about plugs and orgasms.

Big news about the big plug! It goes in! Saturday evening, the 11th March at 18h37…A moment to frame.

I still feel the enormous excitement. It was truly special. I was online with my Master, we’d been chatting and I had a few things explained to me (ok, I admit, I got a little telling off again), whilst at the same time I had to do my plug training. This always starts with two hours wearing my old, little plug. I was feeling great, and had a very special morning with a young dom who was extremely good, given me two orgasms, and on top of all that was great company and had a great time after the session as well.
Further more I had no worries about my little girl, who was in the care of the childminder. I knew they would go swimming, and her best friend would be there as well, and so I looked forward to a peaceful evening, night and morning.

And so, after two hours of the little plug, and feeling great from that morning, also fabulously horny despite the two orgasms, over the moon happy cause my Master was spending a very long time with me, He ordered me to get on with the training and try the big plug again. He told me to take all the time, not to worry about the pc or the cam, and just try my best.

It only took minutes!! It was amazing. It really means something that suddenly, with my Master present, I could get it in. I had been really struggling with it, sometimes not having any hope, and now…

My Master had told me a few days before that he looked forward to the day I could keep it in for an hour. So that is what I did. During that hour I was allowed another 3 orgasms!

Despite the fact I had no child, no further obligations,… I went to bed at quarter to eleven that night –a total abnormality, knowing I have a bedtime, since I never go to sleep- feeling completely shagged out, super-relaxed and extremely happy.

To keep up my training and give me extra motivation, I am now allowed an orgasm every time I put my plug in, and keep it in as long as I can (which I take as minimum an hour). And of course, not a day goes past…

Grinning from ear to ear! Will write again soon(ish).

THE DREAM

Before I start my writing of today, I need to thank. I don’t know how to get across my true heartfelt thanks to all the people who commented, emailed, texted and called me after reading my last blog. The responses were incredibly nice, got tons of really good advice, lots of words of encouragement,… THANK YOU!!!

I also had a comment about the length of my posts. Really sorry… it will be a long one again. However I really will make an effort to write more frequently and keep the babbling a bit shorter. Make sure you understand “I will make an effort”, and not take it as a promise lol.

I ended my last blog with the words : “Tomorrow though, everything can be completely different….”, and so it was indeed. My mood and spirit got lifted by my Master. He was back, being able to give me lots of attention, answering my every question patiently, commenting on my thoughts and moves and putting me in the right direction, being all I could ever dream of. He really is special, very different, incredibly intelligent, so beautifully dominant with every fibre of his body, very good at handling me, … (oh, and drop dead gorgeous too!). It really is amazing the things he has achieved with me, in such a short time, and all from a distance. It is truly frightening in a way, wonder what he is capable of when he would be right by my side.

Of course (before you all start commenting lol!) I have to be realistic, the future is unsure for this kind of unconventional relationship in more than one way, etc etc. But please, let me enjoy this feeling of devotion and admiration. It is all I ever wanted to do and be. It is very rare to find such an exceptional person who can handle these deep feelings, is not afraid of them and above all knows how to use them to make me a better person with it. And yes, I really do hope and even pray for a good outcome. But mostly, I live in my 24 hours. And today He is my Master. And I am elated, but mostly grateful.

Before I tell some more about my past week, I suddenly realised I have to make some corrections. Something I wrote about Valentine’s day. Sorry, I was in a bad mood, and it made me blind to all the good things happening (oh, I should really never let that happen!). In the morning, when I checked my hotmail I noticed I got a “kinkycard” from one of my dom-friends. I had to wait all day, cause I didn’t dare open it at work, and it was beautiful. Thanks MJ.
Then my friend/colleague V had given me a very nice little surprise. There are only two dateable single woman in our office, and neither of us had a date that evening. I didn’t mind at all, but had been jokingly complaining about it for a whole week already. But my other single colleague, didn’t take it so well, and she actually seemed a bit down about it. So my friend V and myself had gone out, bought her favourite cakes and a red rose and put it on her desk. I also talked to her about how joyful it can be to have no date, and very often this is better than a date, certainly seeing her history of choice of men. As for myself, I just kept thinking about last year’s Valentine and was more than relieved again to be on my own. Brrr…. horror just thinking about it. You know, when you have sex lying back, your head turned the other way cause you’re crying and wishing you weren’t there…
Anyway, back to the nice things this year. Near the end of the day, I went out to post some letters for the office, and by the time I came back my colleague V had gone out and bought me a red rose as well. I am so blessed with my friends.

I also tried to be nice to another friend, although in a bit more cheeky way perhaps, by sending an anonymous Valentine’s card. Unfortunately apparantly I had left my signature on it ever so clearly, by forgetting to take the price off. He knew immediately that could only have been me! Hmmm, yes, I remember being described as scatty. But, thinking about the conversation we had about this fabulous failure of mine, I would like to ask the receiver of the card to read it again (if you still have it of course). There was nothing devious about it or meant with it. I searched very long to find something just right, and wanted to be nice.

Hopping onto the topic of films quickly. I had a comment about it, seemed to have forgotten one in my list of favourites. The Descent certainly had me on the edge of my seat (how could it not!!), but that was not just the film getting me there… As I remember you have had me on the edge of my seat quite often as well, although I always preferred to be on my knees.
I have forgotten lots of films in my list. When I made the list, I just looked at my bookshelf next to me where my dvd’s are, and picked out the ones I like best. But there are many films I don’t have, and should be in that list. So, I will be updating my list shortly, and you’ll find all the films in it where Richard Gere takes his kit off, or Harvey Keitel gets his dick out,… Oh, and any film that keeps my little one entertained for an hour and a half, also gets the thumbs up.

Last week I had the strangest dream. I’ve been dying to write about this, want to see if it looks as strange written down as in my mind. The dream was about my first Master. We were in his house, but it is not the house he lives in now, cause I didn’t know where all the rooms were and felt a bit akward about it. We didn’t have a session or anything, just sitting together chatting. But it was expected that I stayed over. That is the first strange thing, cause I never stayed over, and I cannot imagine that he would ever demand this. Then suddenly I was wearing one of my nighties, of which I would like to deny the existence off. A purple teddy bear comfy thingy, totally a-sexy and wouldn’t like to be caught dead in it. He told me to go to bed, which was a bit difficult cause I didn’t know where the bedroom was. He then showed me and next I know I was lying on my side facing him. This is the second strange thing, I really can’t imagine sharing a bed with a man anymore (apart from my Master, but that is a completely different story again), and is not one of the things I want to do. I had taken off my (horrible) nighty, and he stroked my arm. I froze a little, and braced myself for pain, not quite knowing what to expect though. He then kissed me on my mouth and in my neck, still stroking my arm. I asked what he was doing, and I got a question in return, asking me if I liked it. I found it difficult, but was truthful in saying that I did indeed like the soft touch, but it confused me. He then told me that I didn’t have to worry, that this was his way of having sex. And we did.
When I woke up, I felt totally weird. I don’t long for sweet lovemaking, gentle tender sex, and I certainly don’t want to think of my first Master in a vanilla way. The dream has confused the hell out of me for days.
I’ve had more dreams of my first Master, and in a way they all made sense. Maybe not at the time, but afterwards most certainly. Wonder what this will be.

A quick update on the plug… still not in! I showed the plug to my dom on Thursday (let’s call him J), and he called it “ambitious”. Several people told me to get a smaller plug to get used to that one first, and I will follow that advice. But for now I have to continue with the one I have. I need to buy another tyre for the car first this month.

I still have been very tired and not feeling very well physically this week. I even stayed home one day. I did use that day to catch up on some rest, but also pottered around the house a little, trying to sort out my mess. I don’t know how I manage, but it is quite amazing what a state I can get my house (or for that matter my car, my desk…) in. It must be a special talent. Only, my Master doesn’t allow it, so I try my very hardest to keep things on a reasonable level of tidyness. But I was slipping, so needed to take a bit more time. I still need to do some catching up, but I start to feel physically a bit better now so looking forward to get everything done soon. And then I can sit down and read a book… Mmm, sooo looking forward to that.

Something really great happened this week. I had a fantastic playdate. I am still smiling about it! The dom (J) is somebody I’ve known for quite a long time already. We never got to play properly though in the past, partly cause of restrictions caused by rules set by my Master then, but mainly because of my emotional state of mind. J has been great with me though, and has given me lots of strength and pulled me through some bad times. He explained things to me, cause I didn’t understand myself anymore and was so new to all the feelings that went through me at the time. More than that, he is great to be with, intelligent and fun. We’ve been out of touch for a while, but then suddenly J emailed me. It must have been telepathy, as I had been thinking about him for a few weeks already. It was so nice to hear from him again, and I gladly accepted his offer for some play. And it was fantastic. Very different for sure, but it left me feeling real good afterwards. I didn’t feel all messed up the next day, and I could enjoy the soreness and aching muscles.

Ever since then I had nothing but good days! People were nice, sun has been shining,…

Gonna finish this post with something I just read on an email, that touched me. “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

LOOSE OFF THE LEASH

It’s only been 4 days since my last blog, but it feels like 4 weeks. Time flies when you have fun, well time certainly drags on and on when you’re not.

Firstly, I haven’t heard from my Master since Tuesday. It would drive me insane, if I wouldn’t have friends to distract me. But logically (to me anyway), because He is my Master He is still always in my mind. Normally this is a good thing I would imagine, but I know I will have to go through a period of very little contact. I don’t fully understand why, what He is doing, but the bottom line of it is that He is busy. There are times I cope ok, after all I got a full-time job, a child, lots of friends, and certainly enough daily tasks, and then other problems to keep me occupied. And I certainly want to give the impression to Him I am ok. I don’t want him to think of me as completely useless/hopeless –well, cause I am not, at least not completely (although have to get better at sending secret Valentine cards! But that’s something completely different…) Back to my Master. So here I am, far far away from him (bring out the violins), which is ok although not always easy, cause I really crave for Him. But now there is hardly any contact at all, and it is starting to affect my mood seriously. But what I am most afraid of is that I start slipping. I have been in bed late already this week, and my diet went horribly wrong. I wish He could keep the leash a bit tighter, at least for now in the beginning, and hopefully later I would be better at “it”. But it is not possible, so I just have to start to learn some self-discipline and controle. I will just have to concentrate and keep His voice in my head. I can do this… but I do miss Him.

I’ve had quite a miserable week to be honest. It is hard to explain, and as you all know, a short story or explanation is not what I do. But I’ll try….

It has been a year now since I last slept in. I understand how this little statement will not make you all go “ooohh poor thing” (certainly not if there are lots of doms reading this… see one of my previous posts), but this is really, very seriously wearing me out. Not once I had a little long sleep in the morning, not being woken up by the clock or my child. And I had hope of this happening soon. My ex found a job, 9-5 Monday to Friday, weekends free. He starts on the 21st. So hooray!!! Finally, I will get weekends to myself. Not that I am happy to get rid of my daughter for the weekend, far from. But I am really worn out, exhausted. Not only because of her of course. There is work, household, gardening, doms, friends… and indeed mostly my little girl. And although she is very sweet, she is very demanding of her mummy. Probably cause I let her. But that is my character, that is the type mother I am, no matter how other people see it and tell me what I should do. And I got no helping hand, not of her daddy, my family is in Belgium, my friends too far away or too busy with own family. It’s just me. And I am getting sooo incredibly tired! But, as I said, I had hope suddenly. Not long anymore, soon she would be able to go to her daddy. But then I got the news that it would have to wait till at least after her birthday (6th April). He wants to use the opportunity to make some extra money during the weekends!!!
#@**%$***!!!.....

I cannot express in words how I felt when I heard him say this to me. First of all, cause he doesn’t pay a penny towards our child(never has done), he gets benefits which I don’t get (cause I actually get of my ass and do some work). I also got to hear he hadn’t worked more than 3 days this year so far, and not once he had our little girl or even asked for her! Not even an hour outside the arranged Thursday evening. And now suddenly he will work during the weekend, to make up for it… Wouldn’t you think that he would like to see her a bit more, now finally… I just do not understand, no matter how hard I try. Meanwhile he plays the victim, the one who never gets to see his daughter…. AARRGGHHH! It gets me so mad.
But, I have not let it be noticed. All I said, that it was ok, that I perfectly understood that he needs money, and that he has to do it if he thought that was necessary. But inside, I felt like I was being crushed or something. Suddenly got this block of tiredness that was starting to lift getting down on me with a bang.

And then there are the other little things, like going for a new tyre, which is already getting you broke and finding out you really need another one as well, no date/card/flowers/… on Valentine apart from a text from a dom who gives me the total creeps and being asked out by my ex (double creeps!!), broken tiles around the bath, stupid plug that doesn’t want to go in….

On Friday I had to turn down a bit of play (sorry again MJ), was completely down. I was happy though he still came over for a bite to eat and a chat. Friends really are the greatest good. I was able to talk to him about my ex and my child, and also my money problems. For the first time, I showed somebody my whole financial situation. His reaction to it was the best I could hope for. I actually never expected a reaction, was just venting some frustration. But hopefully we’ll get to work together and get some extra money in.

The weekend was really good in places. I got hope again through my friend MJ, thinking up ways of making some money and getting out of all the trouble I am in. But even more so, hopefully get enough money to start my divorce, and go home!

I had another letter from my mother this week. Another thing that got my emotions all over the place. I am so homesick. Haven’t seen my family in years. My little one doesn’t know them, cause she was too young when we saw them.
When I had my session with A last week, he mentioned my family (as he was trying to find my weak spots), and I just can’t talk about them anymore, not even think of them without crying. It is really hard being totally stuck. But now, really hoping and trying hard to make things work, I’ll get some extra money in. Oh, I don’t even dare to think of how it would feel to have my mother in my arms again. She is not well, my sisters don’t talk to her, I’ve always been the only one she could always count on. And now I am letting her down, can’t get there.

So the general feeling this week is one of failure… failed my Master twice and I have no idea of what he feels or thinks about it, still failing to get the plug in, failed my daughter by not being strong enough to stand up against my ex and arranging weekends for her with him, failed my mother for not being able to go over to see her, failing myself for not keeping happier.

Tomorrow though, everything can be completely different….

HOW MANY...

First of all, in answer to the comment of “Your Master” how many subs it takes to change a light bulb, I would reply: make me!
I know… a better sub would say: I’ll just suffer in the dark…
In this blog I would like to thank you for the help you are (so selflessly) giving me with training me with my butt plug. The last time you came you made a nice session of it, and described it ever so well in your comment (also thanks lol).

To A: thanks so much for your comment. Your explanation about the pliability is very reassuring. I have to admit I am starting to panic a little now and then, thinking I can’t do it, and my impatience is not helping either. But then reading your comment, sort of gave me refreshed courage.
Also your comment about how some D/s relationships fall foul, was very good and certainly recognisable.
I think I need to clarify something though. The strong emotions I went through last week was from a session I had with a dom last Wednesday. He is not my Master. I am not in any kind of relationship with him. That is partly why I was so annoyed with the emotions I went through.
I do have a Master, but unfortunately I have not had the pleasure yet of meeting Him face to face. He lives in the Netherlands, and for now our relationship extends to email, online meetings and occasional telephone conversations. HOWEVER, He really is my Master, the One I obey and serve. The experience I gather whilst waiting for Him, is purely play and the conditions I play under are those of my Master, not the dom who “has” me on the night.

To my slave friend: you are reading my mind!! The hit counter was exactly what I was thinking of when I was fiddling with the links. Keep on the look-out for it…
I have been thinking long and hard about your comment relating to the disregard Wednesday’s dom (let’s call him A to make it easy). It might be naïve of me, but somehow I really don’t think it was disregard. I do believe A wanted to teach me, and show me total surrender, how to put trust in somebody, … I know he did more than just push my limits, he stepped over them and went far beyond. And you were certainly right in telling me he has no right “to break” me, as he is not my Master. That I do fully agree with. But look, he didn’t! Although I know I will have to be very careful around him. So I am seriously considering not seeing A again.

I have read your entry from 14th Feb, as you asked me too. And as you know, I thought it was most beautiful. I will comment on it very soon.

Now then, time to stop writing already. I was planning on putting together a proper blog-posting tonight, but my bed time has already arrived. And it may come as a surprise to some of my readers, but I do actually obey the orders of my Master. So at midnight, I am in bed.

I’ll be back very soon!

TRUE LOVE

Once again, my very dear slave friend, has helped me tremendously when I was feeling very low. He did it before, it is almost how we got to know each other. It was a day after my last punishment from my Master, and I felt extremely rotten about disappointing him. He had never felt that cold and distant before, and I had so clearly let him down, a true horrible feeling. But my slave friend helped me through the night with wise advice and gave me a lot of strength. I'll never forget the support I received from him, not even knowing me.
And so yesterday, he did it again. I had texted him about the state I was in, and as soon as he could, he called me and explained what was going on. He knew what it was, even before he heard the details of what I felt like. I experienced a low, coming down from subspace. All chemical reactions sort of things in my body and stuff. It immediately made me feel better. Knowing what it was really helped to put my mood in perspective again. He made me even laugh out loud later, when we had a little chat online. Thanks my dear friend, you are very special!

Also thanks to one of my dom-friends. I received the nicest text, after he read my blog of yesterday. And he too, managed to make me laugh after a few texts. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will do your shopping for you soon! :)

Wow, I am so blessed. Ever since I have split up from my husband, I have made the most amazing discoveries. And no, not my submissiveness was the biggest one, although of course very significant. But I learned about Friendship... a whole lot.

Last night, I spent some time in bed together with my little one, watching Pocahontas and having a little chat before she had to go to sleep. My daughter is a very sweet child and very affectionate. We cuddle an awful lot and I'll never let a chance slip to tell her I love her. And so tonight, nicely cuddled up, watching Pocahontas and John Smith fall in love, my little girl suddenly sat up. She looked at me and said:"Mummy, I think you are really lovely". I told her of course exactly how lovely she is too. She wasn't done yet, and told me how beautiful I am, especially my hair. And again in detail I described the beauty of her little person as well. She came back to lie in my arms and then told me she loves me. So I stroked her head and I was starting to feel tears in my eyes, and I explained to her that I do love her ever so much. She grabbed my arm and responded: "Good. Will you always listen to me, mummy?" Which is of course a promise for life... that and so much more... The only true love, totally unconditional.

Feeling better today, and will get busy with work and later of course at home lots of work to catch up on.

DOWN

DOWN

Feeling desperately lonely today, acting terribly depressed. I haven't done any housework today, hardly at all played with my daughter (just provided her with all the necessary toys to play on her own), been crying, thinking, longing...

Damn that man from Wednesday. How dare he come and disrupt me like this? And why? I thought I had been strong, but obviously he did get to me.

It wasn't the beating, the humiliation or any of the other ordeal. Even though I felt more emotional during it and it lasted longer than any other experience I had before. No, that's not it. Anyone can come and give me a taste of pain, and I'll wave them goodbye ready to carry on with whatever I was doing. It's the unexpected nice hug, telling me how much I need it, it's the understanding that is offered, some of the things that are said subtly put in the conversation only to hit you a few days later.

The bruising starts to heal, and the loneliness kicks in...

PIERCING, PLUG AND PLEASURE

PIERCING, PLUG AND PLEASURE

Here we go then. I’ve always wanted to be a published writer…

First of all, I would like to thank everybody who reads my blog. Writing is one of my favourite pastimes and being read makes it all that more pleasurable.

However, be warned. I tend to ramble on quite a bit, never know how to cut a story short, not even when it really is short. You’ll also find I very often get distracted and start talking completely besides the point. All you can hope for is that I eventually find my way back to the plot and finish off what I originally started telling about. Further more, I might misuse the language a little, because English is not my mother tongue. But hopefully you do find some of it enjoyable.

This week has been a busy one; very interesting, painful and eventful, varied and a little confusing.

It all started quite depressing on Monday, having to sort out very serious money problems and feeling very stuck. I had taken the whole day off, although I knew I would only need the morning for this. So I could spend the afternoon with my friend Cameron. I always love being with him, and again I had a fantastic afternoon. One of the things I took back with me (literally) was my new butt plug.

On my previous visit to Cameron, he took me to some sexshops, of which one had a salesman with a Scottish accent. I am totally in love with the Scottish accent, something I blame Billy Connolly for –a man who I adore! So I made the most of the situation and totally endulged in listening to this man and made him show me all the butt plugs he had. I was thinking of buying one anyway (honestly!). But unfortunately I couldn’t find anything to my liking (I am sooo fussy). Well that is to say, there was one, very interesting with electricity and other tricks, but the bottom end was shaped a bit like you see on a rabbit. So not really something you could wear to work, as I pointed out to the salesman. In desperation then, he showed me his purchasing catalogues and indeed I found just the thing…. My dear slave friend collected my order for me last week and so he gave it to me on Monday. The plug is “slightly” bigger than I expected… (OH MY GOD!!!-kinda-large). That evening I looked at it…

On Tuesday then lots of work at the office. And I also had loads of work at home to look forward to as well. I was starting to get seriously nervous about the planned session I had the next day. And also, very desperate for an orgasm. My colleage/friend Nicola had been shopping for me in the weekend, and had bought the latest super-duper rabbit. It looked fantastic, and couldn’t wait to give it a good try. But more so it had been 10 days since my last orgasm, and I started feeling very desperate. I know, 10 days might not seem that much, but believe me… After two days I already start working on my plea/appeal to my Master cause I feel so horny. Thankfully He felt I had deserved one, and allowed me to have fun that night. Oh, and it was fantastic!!! I can certainly recommend the new rabbit to all women.
My Master did also instruct me to start training myself with the new plug. That evening, before playing with my new rabbit, I started practising. It didn’t go all the way in, and I was very disappointed, but not surprised. And it is of course always good to have something to strive for, a goal to achieve, a wish to be fulfilled.
Swiftly moving on to Wednesday. That was such a special day, it is difficult to write about. That evening I had a session planned with a dom I had met about 6 months ago. From that one meeting I knew he was different than most people. His eyes, simply indescribable. So scary and so attractive at the same time. I have never forgotten them, and often thought back at the meeting I had with him. But, and this is probably through my little understanding of “things”, I found him too scary, and never dared to try to go further with him than the cup of tea we had. On the other hand, during the talk we had, I had felt an enormous understanding from him, even when I couldn’t quite find the words to explain myself, and never wanted to completely shut the door to him either. But now then, with the understanding that I do have a Master, he came for a play-session. I had arranged an overnight with the childminder for my little one, as obviously I do not want her in the house in a situation like that.

I was truly more than just nervous. Petrified is much closer to how I felt. Not just for the pain I would have to endure, but also for what I would feel about seeing him again. He had left such a strong impression.
And I was right for being scared. I will not give a detailed report of all the happenings of the evening, but I can tell that I have never ever cried, felt scared, physically hurt, made horny and comforted like it before. If I would ever have doubted any of my limits, I was now sure! But… I did manage to not give myself completely mentally.

I know, that last statement might not look as good as it really is. I shouldn’t hold back, but this case was a little different. That complete and total surrender is something I want to only give to my Master. It is logical to me…

I need to add that I have not been allowed to orgasm that night.

Thursday morning I went to pick up my little girl from the childminder to take to school. I didn’t have to, the school is around the corner from the childminder, and 20 minutes by car from my house. But the guilty feeling of having her sleeping somewhere else so I can endulge in my perverted sexual needs, made me do this. Also that evening she would go sleep at her daddy’s and two nights in a row not having her with me, seemed enormously long suddenly.
I felt totally wrecked. My whole body was in pain, and felt extremely tired. Further more I was again extremely nervous, cause that evening I had planned to be pierced through the clithood.
But first to the diet club, like every Thursday evening, after dropping my daughter off at her daddy’s. That went very well, and I had lost quite a lot of weight that week. Then to my friend’s house, who would do the piercing. I trust him completely with my body, and he has certainly proven it worthy so far. It is always nice to see him, and so it was too that evening. For some unknown reason (stupidity probably) I thought I was going to get sympathy for all the pain I was already in. With lots of oohing and aahing and moaning telling him some of the ordeal I went through the night before, I somehow expected a little “oh poor you” or something. But instead I was confronted with his sadistic side and got lots of laughter instead.

My lesson of the week: You can’t get sympathy from a sadist, and the harder you try, the less you get of course.

It got worse, when looking at my marks, I was told it was not all that bad, that I should really get some more. And of course the marks got poked and tested on their sensitivity.

Then I got tied to the bed. I had requested this, with the excuse that I didn’t want to make any movement that could risk ruining anything. Of course it was just really really nice too. It was a very strange kind of enjoyment I felt, when the cuffs were put on again, and even stranger to actually see him tie me down. He’s done it plenty of times, but I’ve always been blindfolded before. We had a lovely chat whilst he was clamping things and God knows what else. After long and thorough checking, he decided against doing it himself. I will have to go to a piercing shop. But he’ll come with me, which I am so enormously grateful for. And I don’t think he realises what a good friend he is at times.

The plug didn’t go in again that night. When I was in bed, I thought of skipping the training that evening. Felt so tired and achy. But thankfully I got my thoughts on the right track very quickly again, and I practiced extra long because I felt guilty about thinking about skipping it.

Again, the level of horniness was rising to very high levels. Having my lips and clit touched and fiddled with whilst lying bound…

Friday was a better day. In the morning I picked up my little girl to take her to the childminder for the day (school was closed) and went to work. I was able to sit down without too much pain. I was still tired, despite some good sleep during the night. And again I had some work to look forward to at home, cause I was having another dom-friend over. For dinner only this time. After work I picked up my little girl, and it was so nice to have her with me again. I know it was only two nights, and I still saw her before and after school/childminder every day, but still…
It turned out to be a fantastic evening. I have always been able to talk to him about almost anything and everything. There is a good understanding. We laugh a great deal and are able to joke with each other, just as much as talk about and discuss more serious areas in our lives. It had been quite a long time ago since we last seen each other. And it felt great. We had a lovely little dinner, and chatted for hours. He managed to give me a tremendous good feeling and a little self confidence (something I loose quite easily). Also he volonteerd to help me to practice with my plug. It went well, but still not completely in. He told me to put it on a chair and slide myself over it when I am alone. It should be easier than trying to push it in. We’ll try this later tonight.

I’ll keep you posted on the progress.

But again, feeling HORNY!!!! This friend had been so kind to stroke my clit ever so gently in order to relax me trying to push the butt plug in as far as possible. Oh poor me (yep, when it comes to not having orgasms, I do feel a lot of self pitty). I had written earlier that day to my Master to please allow me an orgasm, but the question is not even worthy an answer. I have to come up with something real good to start deserving one again soon!

Before ending this blog, I would like to respond to the comments I have received already so far.
To my dear slave friend, who commented on the rudeness of my pic lol. I would have made my name Slavin_H, cause H is my initial. But I never get addressed with my name by my Master, and am much better known as slet (=slut in English).
To A, I do hope you will keep reading. And of course, that you will indeed enjoy the writing. I am already looking forward to your comments.

I think I rambled enough for now. I do hope to be back a bit quicker next time, so I can keep the blog a bit shorter. But as said at the beginning of this piece, that might be a hard goal to achieve…

Leaving you all with the best quote I have ever read. It comes from Wilfred Peterson, who said:

“Happiness doesn’t come from doing the things you like to do, but from liking the things you have to do”