GREYING OUT

Long overdue, some talk about play and orgasms!

My last play was quite different from what I experienced up to now. It was all a bit strange, my first play without Frans being in charge of me. And of course that was very much on my mind, in the way that I was constantly trying to push it out of my mind.

But I took the step very quickly to go out and “have fun”. I literally forced myself to do this because I didn’t want to be beaten by the feeling of grief.

So when I met up with C in London, the evening started very nice and I got taken out to dinner. When he realised it was my first time in the capital, he drove me round and showed me some famous buildings before stopping the car to start me off in some sexual activities. Nothing outrageous, and nothing I never done in even vanilla life. Soon then to the hotel.

After quickly freshening up in the bathroom I entered the room and sat myself down in a chair next to him, but I got ordered to stand in front of him. And from then on it was clear he would order me what to do. All the time before, since September last year, all the contact I had with him, it was very friendly and funny, but I never found him to be very dominant. That was one of the reasons I hesitated so long to meet him. But luckily he stepped up. It was an enormous thrill to have to take his belt off and then hand it to him…
I fell in love with the belt after reading a story Frans wrote once, which featured it. Despite it being a punishment instrument, it is so erotic and attractive. And I have fantasised about it since a lot.

Back to the night… after taking the belt -positioned bent over a table- I was put in a corner and got hit a little more by something else, but I don’t know what it was, cause I was not allowed to look behind me. I then got fingered and it was clear to me that C wanted me to orgasm.
And I faked it, for the first time in a long while I faked it. And oh my, I missed Frans so much at that moment! I used to fake a lot of my orgasms, faked them much more than I had them actually. And I had told Frans about it before he became my master. Once he controlled me, he forbade me to do this again. So when I stood there, faking it again, I could have cried. Instead we moved on, to the bed. Lots and lots of all sorts of sex.

Very important here was the anal sex I had. It is not something I have written about yet, but I damaged myself following up punishment instructions from Frans during our last two weeks. And it took a long time to heal. One of my friends had adviced me to make anal sex a hard limit for a few months, to let myself get completely healed again. But I couldn’t wait that long and I am very (very very) happy to say it went well. C used me anally, but also used different other things to insert and fuck me with and I reached my first real orgasm of the night lying on my back, having to masturbate for him, whilst he fucked me anally with a very interesting feeling toy.

There was lots more sex to be had and given, and he made me work like a proper whore. I even got a second real orgasm (faked another three).

Then the time was there to put on my collar with leash. And that was the hardest part of the evening. I bought these exactly two weeks before getting dumped following his instructions. I bought them with his taste in mind, hoping to be wearing it for a long time still. It felt fabulous and put it on as soon as I got home from work every day. It was of course not proper collaring towards him, but it was meant to be a constant reminder of my place, and the leash would be used by him to lead me –literally- later on. When I got his awful email, it was also the very first thing, my very first reaction, to take the collar off.
I sat on the bed, and put the collar around my neck, trying to close it, and had to bite away the tears. It was the first time I put it on again, and it was hard. But I fought the bad feeling, and let C use it, which he did well.

More sex, sometimes blindfolded. But no more pain, or spanking (maybe now and then a hand quickly slapping me, but nothing real). Till about 4h30 in the morning.

The rest of the story, everybody knows (and laughed about!).

I got more play planned, albeit completely different. But I will tell more about it another day soon. I will meet the couple this Friday coming…

My days still begin with tears, and also still end with it. I hate myself for being so sad, and I do try to fight it, anyway I know and can.
I’ve started conversations –email and on the telephone- with a dom, who is looking for a slave girl. There are certainly areas in which we seem compatible. But I am scared. My real longing still goes out to Frans. And I don’t want to use this new contact (let’s call him T) in an attempt to get over Frans, to then discover I don’t have true feelings for him and ending up hurting him, who might be a “nice guy” for a change. Of course, it is possible I develop real and true feelings for him, beyond just being horny over his cage, and wouldn’t it be silly to throw away a possible good thing. Although I do expect I’ll be the one again left standing cold and hurt.

Somebody told me the NLP method of getting somebody out of mind. It is called greying out. Whenever his imagine comes into my head again, I should focus on it, seeing it clearly and slowly make it go black and white. From there onwards, I should make it all go grey, make it look completely vague and disappear within the background.
I will try this. But it will not be easy. As at the moment, I am trying so hard not to get his image into my mind. I don’t look at his pictures, although of course now I am writing about him again, the images are very sharp. And when I think of having to grey him out, what a shame!! The line around his mouth, his beautiful lips… *breaking down in tears again*

I need to get a grip. Somebody please come give me a cuddle and kick me up the ass.