LOST

The day after I got email from Frans, I replied to him. I know that in his email he stated he didn’t want any more contact, but I did not comply to this wish. After all, I was no longer his slave…. And so I wrote….(again translated as good as possible)

Good morning Frans,

So, You let yourself get caught then?

Your email to me yesterday was particularly rotten, but i do understand it was written for her more than for me.

i do believe though, that You also think i deserve a slightly better ending, or at least that we should be able to say goodbye to each other in a decent way. Surely i won’t be the only one of us that will miss the other one?

i can only try to imagine what You had to go through yesterday, and therefore i write from an email address that You don’t have, and i write to Your work hoping it won’t be read. It is of course not my meaning to get You into even more trouble.

i will leave my details in this email, and hope You will keep them for a while. Of course i am totally broken up and stuff over this, but i do hope that You know me by now well enough that You understand i can put this loss in perspective. And if You want to, then you can always still contact me as a friend. You’re very welcome even. i will switch my button from whorish and horny to friendly and warm.

That You will need some time to build up trust again with Your girlfriend is of course also something i can understand. i hope You’ll succeed.

Hoping for a day that we can talk to each other again, to give a nice ending to what otherwise was a very beautiful internet relationship...

Lots of love,


All I was hoping for, was a little comment, an apology for the rude break up, confirmation of what I thought, … something! But nope, till this day absolutely nothing.

I want to make clear to you readers, that I am not broken up over the fact that he has a girlfriend. These things happen. But I am devastated over the way he dumped me. “Callous” is how one of my friends called it. I had to look it up in the dictionary, and came up with: heartless, unfeeling, coldhearted, uncaring, insensitive, cold, cruel, hard… And yes, that is exactly it! This makes me very sad.

And the one thing, the very one thing I hate, absolutely totally hate, and he knew, is the lies!! Why did he lie?? I don’t know of course how long he has this girlfriend, although I am pretty sure I can make a good guess. I actually literally wrote to him at the time (cause I felt there was something wrong-it was around christmas) that I did not want him to string me along and if he no longer wanted me to be his slave all he had to do was tell me. Or at least he should have given me an honest choice!! Tell me his dilemma, having a girlfriend in the Netherlands of who is was perhaps not sure or something. But no lies!!! For that I am very angry.

The last fortnight I served him was horrendously hard, and had me physically broken, not to mention how I felt emotionally. This of course makes the sudden break up more difficult to accept.

He seemed like such a warm, caring, understanding and loving man. How can he not respond to me? I thought my email was nice enough.

I am thinking of sending him a second email. One that isn’t so nice. One in which I tell him how irresponsible he has acted with me the last two weeks and his awful email. But then sometimes I think he is not worth my time.

I still miss him though…

But I am so grateful for all my friends, for without whom I would be a total mess. Instead I am being looked after, comforted, cheered up and held up strong.

One of my friends told me not to beat myself up over something he did. That stuck, and was a very helpful comment. Cause indeed that is what I seem to do (a lot in general). I felt so stupid, for letting myself in so deep, refusing to see the lies. But then, it wasn’t me lying, in fact I trusted him despite a nagging feeling I had. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and believed in him. That is a good thing! And it makes me the better person of the two of us. I refuse to give up my believe in the good of people, and fill my heart with mistrust and suspicion. Because one day, a deserving person might come along…

I am also a great believer in “what goes around, comes around”.

But, I am rambling again now. Perhaps not making total sense.

I’ll close this blog with something I read somewhere, which is appropriate, to everybody.

Nobody deserves your tears. And the ones that would, don’t make you cry.