NO KIDDING

The “second child syndrome” is what it was called by the mother who’s baby I was holding last week. It freaked me a little, and inside I was screaming NO! It can’t be, and it isn’t. I am sure… But, how wonderful it was to hold this little creature in my arms. So tiny, with these wonderful big eyes that babies have, so open and innocently staring at everything that she cannot grasp yet, completely relaxed and trusting my arms that were carrying her and rocking her gently as I was walking around my room in the office. I caught myself smelling her, but that typical babysmell had already gone. The pleasant feeling I got whilst holding her overwhelmed me a little, or surprised me is perhaps better explained.

Kids, of course something I think about a lot. And not just the one little angel I already got. She was a miracle and has certainly changed my life and in many ways my thinking and deeper emotions. And there have been many internal debates about a second child… I never wanted another child, I knew that as soon as I held her in my arms. She was my one. Besides practical objections such as money, fertility issues and relationship problems (as if that is not enough to decide against it), there was also and most importantly emotional and psychological struggling with the idea. I would be very afraid never to be able to love my second child as much as I love my child, I don’t think I can handle twice the worry and wonder where I would have to get the energy from,…. The only thing that made me doubt still, is the feeling of guilt of denying her a sibbling, somebody to share with and have that special bond that you can’t find anywhere else. But then again, there is a lot to say against sibblings too…

And so, again I have to write about how lucky I am with the Master I have. Because, how rare it is to find a man without kids of his own -who he then would put first before mine, who also doesn’t have the need to have his own offspring, but at the same time is good with kids and is extremely thoughtful when it comes to my little my little girl. Lucky lucky lucky me!!!

My Master, more and more, every day, we are getting closer. I am very nervous still, feel very insecure. But soon, very soon now we will meet. And hopefully, besides intense passion, it will also bring a sense of safety. Although something has already eased me, it made me feel strangely proud and calmed my uncertainties. He told his family about me! Oh, if I could only kiss him for this…

Today, finishing with a long quote by Anais Nin. A piece of text that cannot express it any better I think…

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”