LOOSE OFF THE LEASH

It’s only been 4 days since my last blog, but it feels like 4 weeks. Time flies when you have fun, well time certainly drags on and on when you’re not.

Firstly, I haven’t heard from my Master since Tuesday. It would drive me insane, if I wouldn’t have friends to distract me. But logically (to me anyway), because He is my Master He is still always in my mind. Normally this is a good thing I would imagine, but I know I will have to go through a period of very little contact. I don’t fully understand why, what He is doing, but the bottom line of it is that He is busy. There are times I cope ok, after all I got a full-time job, a child, lots of friends, and certainly enough daily tasks, and then other problems to keep me occupied. And I certainly want to give the impression to Him I am ok. I don’t want him to think of me as completely useless/hopeless –well, cause I am not, at least not completely (although have to get better at sending secret Valentine cards! But that’s something completely different…) Back to my Master. So here I am, far far away from him (bring out the violins), which is ok although not always easy, cause I really crave for Him. But now there is hardly any contact at all, and it is starting to affect my mood seriously. But what I am most afraid of is that I start slipping. I have been in bed late already this week, and my diet went horribly wrong. I wish He could keep the leash a bit tighter, at least for now in the beginning, and hopefully later I would be better at “it”. But it is not possible, so I just have to start to learn some self-discipline and controle. I will just have to concentrate and keep His voice in my head. I can do this… but I do miss Him.

I’ve had quite a miserable week to be honest. It is hard to explain, and as you all know, a short story or explanation is not what I do. But I’ll try….

It has been a year now since I last slept in. I understand how this little statement will not make you all go “ooohh poor thing” (certainly not if there are lots of doms reading this… see one of my previous posts), but this is really, very seriously wearing me out. Not once I had a little long sleep in the morning, not being woken up by the clock or my child. And I had hope of this happening soon. My ex found a job, 9-5 Monday to Friday, weekends free. He starts on the 21st. So hooray!!! Finally, I will get weekends to myself. Not that I am happy to get rid of my daughter for the weekend, far from. But I am really worn out, exhausted. Not only because of her of course. There is work, household, gardening, doms, friends… and indeed mostly my little girl. And although she is very sweet, she is very demanding of her mummy. Probably cause I let her. But that is my character, that is the type mother I am, no matter how other people see it and tell me what I should do. And I got no helping hand, not of her daddy, my family is in Belgium, my friends too far away or too busy with own family. It’s just me. And I am getting sooo incredibly tired! But, as I said, I had hope suddenly. Not long anymore, soon she would be able to go to her daddy. But then I got the news that it would have to wait till at least after her birthday (6th April). He wants to use the opportunity to make some extra money during the weekends!!!
#@**%$***!!!.....

I cannot express in words how I felt when I heard him say this to me. First of all, cause he doesn’t pay a penny towards our child(never has done), he gets benefits which I don’t get (cause I actually get of my ass and do some work). I also got to hear he hadn’t worked more than 3 days this year so far, and not once he had our little girl or even asked for her! Not even an hour outside the arranged Thursday evening. And now suddenly he will work during the weekend, to make up for it… Wouldn’t you think that he would like to see her a bit more, now finally… I just do not understand, no matter how hard I try. Meanwhile he plays the victim, the one who never gets to see his daughter…. AARRGGHHH! It gets me so mad.
But, I have not let it be noticed. All I said, that it was ok, that I perfectly understood that he needs money, and that he has to do it if he thought that was necessary. But inside, I felt like I was being crushed or something. Suddenly got this block of tiredness that was starting to lift getting down on me with a bang.

And then there are the other little things, like going for a new tyre, which is already getting you broke and finding out you really need another one as well, no date/card/flowers/… on Valentine apart from a text from a dom who gives me the total creeps and being asked out by my ex (double creeps!!), broken tiles around the bath, stupid plug that doesn’t want to go in….

On Friday I had to turn down a bit of play (sorry again MJ), was completely down. I was happy though he still came over for a bite to eat and a chat. Friends really are the greatest good. I was able to talk to him about my ex and my child, and also my money problems. For the first time, I showed somebody my whole financial situation. His reaction to it was the best I could hope for. I actually never expected a reaction, was just venting some frustration. But hopefully we’ll get to work together and get some extra money in.

The weekend was really good in places. I got hope again through my friend MJ, thinking up ways of making some money and getting out of all the trouble I am in. But even more so, hopefully get enough money to start my divorce, and go home!

I had another letter from my mother this week. Another thing that got my emotions all over the place. I am so homesick. Haven’t seen my family in years. My little one doesn’t know them, cause she was too young when we saw them.
When I had my session with A last week, he mentioned my family (as he was trying to find my weak spots), and I just can’t talk about them anymore, not even think of them without crying. It is really hard being totally stuck. But now, really hoping and trying hard to make things work, I’ll get some extra money in. Oh, I don’t even dare to think of how it would feel to have my mother in my arms again. She is not well, my sisters don’t talk to her, I’ve always been the only one she could always count on. And now I am letting her down, can’t get there.

So the general feeling this week is one of failure… failed my Master twice and I have no idea of what he feels or thinks about it, still failing to get the plug in, failed my daughter by not being strong enough to stand up against my ex and arranging weekends for her with him, failed my mother for not being able to go over to see her, failing myself for not keeping happier.

Tomorrow though, everything can be completely different….