Before I start my writing of today, I need to thank. I don’t know how to get across my true heartfelt thanks to all the people who commented, emailed, texted and called me after reading my last blog. The responses were incredibly nice, got tons of really good advice, lots of words of encouragement,… THANK YOU!!!
I also had a comment about the length of my posts. Really sorry… it will be a long one again. However I really will make an effort to write more frequently and keep the babbling a bit shorter. Make sure you understand “I will make an effort”, and not take it as a promise lol.
I ended my last blog with the words : “Tomorrow though, everything can be completely different….”, and so it was indeed. My mood and spirit got lifted by my Master. He was back, being able to give me lots of attention, answering my every question patiently, commenting on my thoughts and moves and putting me in the right direction, being all I could ever dream of. He really is special, very different, incredibly intelligent, so beautifully dominant with every fibre of his body, very good at handling me, … (oh, and drop dead gorgeous too!). It really is amazing the things he has achieved with me, in such a short time, and all from a distance. It is truly frightening in a way, wonder what he is capable of when he would be right by my side.
Of course (before you all start commenting lol!) I have to be realistic, the future is unsure for this kind of unconventional relationship in more than one way, etc etc. But please, let me enjoy this feeling of devotion and admiration. It is all I ever wanted to do and be. It is very rare to find such an exceptional person who can handle these deep feelings, is not afraid of them and above all knows how to use them to make me a better person with it. And yes, I really do hope and even pray for a good outcome. But mostly, I live in my 24 hours. And today He is my Master. And I am elated, but mostly grateful.
Before I tell some more about my past week, I suddenly realised I have to make some corrections. Something I wrote about Valentine’s day. Sorry, I was in a bad mood, and it made me blind to all the good things happening (oh, I should really never let that happen!). In the morning, when I checked my hotmail I noticed I got a “kinkycard” from one of my dom-friends. I had to wait all day, cause I didn’t dare open it at work, and it was beautiful. Thanks MJ.
Then my friend/colleague V had given me a very nice little surprise. There are only two dateable single woman in our office, and neither of us had a date that evening. I didn’t mind at all, but had been jokingly complaining about it for a whole week already. But my other single colleague, didn’t take it so well, and she actually seemed a bit down about it. So my friend V and myself had gone out, bought her favourite cakes and a red rose and put it on her desk. I also talked to her about how joyful it can be to have no date, and very often this is better than a date, certainly seeing her history of choice of men. As for myself, I just kept thinking about last year’s Valentine and was more than relieved again to be on my own. Brrr…. horror just thinking about it. You know, when you have sex lying back, your head turned the other way cause you’re crying and wishing you weren’t there…
Anyway, back to the nice things this year. Near the end of the day, I went out to post some letters for the office, and by the time I came back my colleague V had gone out and bought me a red rose as well. I am so blessed with my friends.
I also tried to be nice to another friend, although in a bit more cheeky way perhaps, by sending an anonymous Valentine’s card. Unfortunately apparantly I had left my signature on it ever so clearly, by forgetting to take the price off. He knew immediately that could only have been me! Hmmm, yes, I remember being described as scatty. But, thinking about the conversation we had about this fabulous failure of mine, I would like to ask the receiver of the card to read it again (if you still have it of course). There was nothing devious about it or meant with it. I searched very long to find something just right, and wanted to be nice.
Hopping onto the topic of films quickly. I had a comment about it, seemed to have forgotten one in my list of favourites. The Descent certainly had me on the edge of my seat (how could it not!!), but that was not just the film getting me there… As I remember you have had me on the edge of my seat quite often as well, although I always preferred to be on my knees.
I have forgotten lots of films in my list. When I made the list, I just looked at my bookshelf next to me where my dvd’s are, and picked out the ones I like best. But there are many films I don’t have, and should be in that list. So, I will be updating my list shortly, and you’ll find all the films in it where Richard Gere takes his kit off, or Harvey Keitel gets his dick out,… Oh, and any film that keeps my little one entertained for an hour and a half, also gets the thumbs up.
Last week I had the strangest dream. I’ve been dying to write about this, want to see if it looks as strange written down as in my mind. The dream was about my first Master. We were in his house, but it is not the house he lives in now, cause I didn’t know where all the rooms were and felt a bit akward about it. We didn’t have a session or anything, just sitting together chatting. But it was expected that I stayed over. That is the first strange thing, cause I never stayed over, and I cannot imagine that he would ever demand this. Then suddenly I was wearing one of my nighties, of which I would like to deny the existence off. A purple teddy bear comfy thingy, totally a-sexy and wouldn’t like to be caught dead in it. He told me to go to bed, which was a bit difficult cause I didn’t know where the bedroom was. He then showed me and next I know I was lying on my side facing him. This is the second strange thing, I really can’t imagine sharing a bed with a man anymore (apart from my Master, but that is a completely different story again), and is not one of the things I want to do. I had taken off my (horrible) nighty, and he stroked my arm. I froze a little, and braced myself for pain, not quite knowing what to expect though. He then kissed me on my mouth and in my neck, still stroking my arm. I asked what he was doing, and I got a question in return, asking me if I liked it. I found it difficult, but was truthful in saying that I did indeed like the soft touch, but it confused me. He then told me that I didn’t have to worry, that this was his way of having sex. And we did.
When I woke up, I felt totally weird. I don’t long for sweet lovemaking, gentle tender sex, and I certainly don’t want to think of my first Master in a vanilla way. The dream has confused the hell out of me for days.
I’ve had more dreams of my first Master, and in a way they all made sense. Maybe not at the time, but afterwards most certainly. Wonder what this will be.
A quick update on the plug… still not in! I showed the plug to my dom on Thursday (let’s call him J), and he called it “ambitious”. Several people told me to get a smaller plug to get used to that one first, and I will follow that advice. But for now I have to continue with the one I have. I need to buy another tyre for the car first this month.
I still have been very tired and not feeling very well physically this week. I even stayed home one day. I did use that day to catch up on some rest, but also pottered around the house a little, trying to sort out my mess. I don’t know how I manage, but it is quite amazing what a state I can get my house (or for that matter my car, my desk…) in. It must be a special talent. Only, my Master doesn’t allow it, so I try my very hardest to keep things on a reasonable level of tidyness. But I was slipping, so needed to take a bit more time. I still need to do some catching up, but I start to feel physically a bit better now so looking forward to get everything done soon. And then I can sit down and read a book… Mmm, sooo looking forward to that.
Something really great happened this week. I had a fantastic playdate. I am still smiling about it! The dom (J) is somebody I’ve known for quite a long time already. We never got to play properly though in the past, partly cause of restrictions caused by rules set by my Master then, but mainly because of my emotional state of mind. J has been great with me though, and has given me lots of strength and pulled me through some bad times. He explained things to me, cause I didn’t understand myself anymore and was so new to all the feelings that went through me at the time. More than that, he is great to be with, intelligent and fun. We’ve been out of touch for a while, but then suddenly J emailed me. It must have been telepathy, as I had been thinking about him for a few weeks already. It was so nice to hear from him again, and I gladly accepted his offer for some play. And it was fantastic. Very different for sure, but it left me feeling real good afterwards. I didn’t feel all messed up the next day, and I could enjoy the soreness and aching muscles.
Ever since then I had nothing but good days! People were nice, sun has been shining,…
Gonna finish this post with something I just read on an email, that touched me. “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
LOOSE OFF THE LEASH
It’s only been 4 days since my last blog, but it feels like 4 weeks. Time flies when you have fun, well time certainly drags on and on when you’re not.
Firstly, I haven’t heard from my Master since Tuesday. It would drive me insane, if I wouldn’t have friends to distract me. But logically (to me anyway), because He is my Master He is still always in my mind. Normally this is a good thing I would imagine, but I know I will have to go through a period of very little contact. I don’t fully understand why, what He is doing, but the bottom line of it is that He is busy. There are times I cope ok, after all I got a full-time job, a child, lots of friends, and certainly enough daily tasks, and then other problems to keep me occupied. And I certainly want to give the impression to Him I am ok. I don’t want him to think of me as completely useless/hopeless –well, cause I am not, at least not completely (although have to get better at sending secret Valentine cards! But that’s something completely different…) Back to my Master. So here I am, far far away from him (bring out the violins), which is ok although not always easy, cause I really crave for Him. But now there is hardly any contact at all, and it is starting to affect my mood seriously. But what I am most afraid of is that I start slipping. I have been in bed late already this week, and my diet went horribly wrong. I wish He could keep the leash a bit tighter, at least for now in the beginning, and hopefully later I would be better at “it”. But it is not possible, so I just have to start to learn some self-discipline and controle. I will just have to concentrate and keep His voice in my head. I can do this… but I do miss Him.
I’ve had quite a miserable week to be honest. It is hard to explain, and as you all know, a short story or explanation is not what I do. But I’ll try….
It has been a year now since I last slept in. I understand how this little statement will not make you all go “ooohh poor thing” (certainly not if there are lots of doms reading this… see one of my previous posts), but this is really, very seriously wearing me out. Not once I had a little long sleep in the morning, not being woken up by the clock or my child. And I had hope of this happening soon. My ex found a job, 9-5 Monday to Friday, weekends free. He starts on the 21st. So hooray!!! Finally, I will get weekends to myself. Not that I am happy to get rid of my daughter for the weekend, far from. But I am really worn out, exhausted. Not only because of her of course. There is work, household, gardening, doms, friends… and indeed mostly my little girl. And although she is very sweet, she is very demanding of her mummy. Probably cause I let her. But that is my character, that is the type mother I am, no matter how other people see it and tell me what I should do. And I got no helping hand, not of her daddy, my family is in Belgium, my friends too far away or too busy with own family. It’s just me. And I am getting sooo incredibly tired! But, as I said, I had hope suddenly. Not long anymore, soon she would be able to go to her daddy. But then I got the news that it would have to wait till at least after her birthday (6th April). He wants to use the opportunity to make some extra money during the weekends!!!
#@**%$***!!!.....
I cannot express in words how I felt when I heard him say this to me. First of all, cause he doesn’t pay a penny towards our child(never has done), he gets benefits which I don’t get (cause I actually get of my ass and do some work). I also got to hear he hadn’t worked more than 3 days this year so far, and not once he had our little girl or even asked for her! Not even an hour outside the arranged Thursday evening. And now suddenly he will work during the weekend, to make up for it… Wouldn’t you think that he would like to see her a bit more, now finally… I just do not understand, no matter how hard I try. Meanwhile he plays the victim, the one who never gets to see his daughter…. AARRGGHHH! It gets me so mad.
But, I have not let it be noticed. All I said, that it was ok, that I perfectly understood that he needs money, and that he has to do it if he thought that was necessary. But inside, I felt like I was being crushed or something. Suddenly got this block of tiredness that was starting to lift getting down on me with a bang.
And then there are the other little things, like going for a new tyre, which is already getting you broke and finding out you really need another one as well, no date/card/flowers/… on Valentine apart from a text from a dom who gives me the total creeps and being asked out by my ex (double creeps!!), broken tiles around the bath, stupid plug that doesn’t want to go in….
On Friday I had to turn down a bit of play (sorry again MJ), was completely down. I was happy though he still came over for a bite to eat and a chat. Friends really are the greatest good. I was able to talk to him about my ex and my child, and also my money problems. For the first time, I showed somebody my whole financial situation. His reaction to it was the best I could hope for. I actually never expected a reaction, was just venting some frustration. But hopefully we’ll get to work together and get some extra money in.
The weekend was really good in places. I got hope again through my friend MJ, thinking up ways of making some money and getting out of all the trouble I am in. But even more so, hopefully get enough money to start my divorce, and go home!
I had another letter from my mother this week. Another thing that got my emotions all over the place. I am so homesick. Haven’t seen my family in years. My little one doesn’t know them, cause she was too young when we saw them.
When I had my session with A last week, he mentioned my family (as he was trying to find my weak spots), and I just can’t talk about them anymore, not even think of them without crying. It is really hard being totally stuck. But now, really hoping and trying hard to make things work, I’ll get some extra money in. Oh, I don’t even dare to think of how it would feel to have my mother in my arms again. She is not well, my sisters don’t talk to her, I’ve always been the only one she could always count on. And now I am letting her down, can’t get there.
So the general feeling this week is one of failure… failed my Master twice and I have no idea of what he feels or thinks about it, still failing to get the plug in, failed my daughter by not being strong enough to stand up against my ex and arranging weekends for her with him, failed my mother for not being able to go over to see her, failing myself for not keeping happier.
Tomorrow though, everything can be completely different….
Firstly, I haven’t heard from my Master since Tuesday. It would drive me insane, if I wouldn’t have friends to distract me. But logically (to me anyway), because He is my Master He is still always in my mind. Normally this is a good thing I would imagine, but I know I will have to go through a period of very little contact. I don’t fully understand why, what He is doing, but the bottom line of it is that He is busy. There are times I cope ok, after all I got a full-time job, a child, lots of friends, and certainly enough daily tasks, and then other problems to keep me occupied. And I certainly want to give the impression to Him I am ok. I don’t want him to think of me as completely useless/hopeless –well, cause I am not, at least not completely (although have to get better at sending secret Valentine cards! But that’s something completely different…) Back to my Master. So here I am, far far away from him (bring out the violins), which is ok although not always easy, cause I really crave for Him. But now there is hardly any contact at all, and it is starting to affect my mood seriously. But what I am most afraid of is that I start slipping. I have been in bed late already this week, and my diet went horribly wrong. I wish He could keep the leash a bit tighter, at least for now in the beginning, and hopefully later I would be better at “it”. But it is not possible, so I just have to start to learn some self-discipline and controle. I will just have to concentrate and keep His voice in my head. I can do this… but I do miss Him.
I’ve had quite a miserable week to be honest. It is hard to explain, and as you all know, a short story or explanation is not what I do. But I’ll try….
It has been a year now since I last slept in. I understand how this little statement will not make you all go “ooohh poor thing” (certainly not if there are lots of doms reading this… see one of my previous posts), but this is really, very seriously wearing me out. Not once I had a little long sleep in the morning, not being woken up by the clock or my child. And I had hope of this happening soon. My ex found a job, 9-5 Monday to Friday, weekends free. He starts on the 21st. So hooray!!! Finally, I will get weekends to myself. Not that I am happy to get rid of my daughter for the weekend, far from. But I am really worn out, exhausted. Not only because of her of course. There is work, household, gardening, doms, friends… and indeed mostly my little girl. And although she is very sweet, she is very demanding of her mummy. Probably cause I let her. But that is my character, that is the type mother I am, no matter how other people see it and tell me what I should do. And I got no helping hand, not of her daddy, my family is in Belgium, my friends too far away or too busy with own family. It’s just me. And I am getting sooo incredibly tired! But, as I said, I had hope suddenly. Not long anymore, soon she would be able to go to her daddy. But then I got the news that it would have to wait till at least after her birthday (6th April). He wants to use the opportunity to make some extra money during the weekends!!!
#@**%$***!!!.....
I cannot express in words how I felt when I heard him say this to me. First of all, cause he doesn’t pay a penny towards our child(never has done), he gets benefits which I don’t get (cause I actually get of my ass and do some work). I also got to hear he hadn’t worked more than 3 days this year so far, and not once he had our little girl or even asked for her! Not even an hour outside the arranged Thursday evening. And now suddenly he will work during the weekend, to make up for it… Wouldn’t you think that he would like to see her a bit more, now finally… I just do not understand, no matter how hard I try. Meanwhile he plays the victim, the one who never gets to see his daughter…. AARRGGHHH! It gets me so mad.
But, I have not let it be noticed. All I said, that it was ok, that I perfectly understood that he needs money, and that he has to do it if he thought that was necessary. But inside, I felt like I was being crushed or something. Suddenly got this block of tiredness that was starting to lift getting down on me with a bang.
And then there are the other little things, like going for a new tyre, which is already getting you broke and finding out you really need another one as well, no date/card/flowers/… on Valentine apart from a text from a dom who gives me the total creeps and being asked out by my ex (double creeps!!), broken tiles around the bath, stupid plug that doesn’t want to go in….
On Friday I had to turn down a bit of play (sorry again MJ), was completely down. I was happy though he still came over for a bite to eat and a chat. Friends really are the greatest good. I was able to talk to him about my ex and my child, and also my money problems. For the first time, I showed somebody my whole financial situation. His reaction to it was the best I could hope for. I actually never expected a reaction, was just venting some frustration. But hopefully we’ll get to work together and get some extra money in.
The weekend was really good in places. I got hope again through my friend MJ, thinking up ways of making some money and getting out of all the trouble I am in. But even more so, hopefully get enough money to start my divorce, and go home!
I had another letter from my mother this week. Another thing that got my emotions all over the place. I am so homesick. Haven’t seen my family in years. My little one doesn’t know them, cause she was too young when we saw them.
When I had my session with A last week, he mentioned my family (as he was trying to find my weak spots), and I just can’t talk about them anymore, not even think of them without crying. It is really hard being totally stuck. But now, really hoping and trying hard to make things work, I’ll get some extra money in. Oh, I don’t even dare to think of how it would feel to have my mother in my arms again. She is not well, my sisters don’t talk to her, I’ve always been the only one she could always count on. And now I am letting her down, can’t get there.
So the general feeling this week is one of failure… failed my Master twice and I have no idea of what he feels or thinks about it, still failing to get the plug in, failed my daughter by not being strong enough to stand up against my ex and arranging weekends for her with him, failed my mother for not being able to go over to see her, failing myself for not keeping happier.
Tomorrow though, everything can be completely different….
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
HOW MANY...
First of all, in answer to the comment of “Your Master” how many subs it takes to change a light bulb, I would reply: make me!
I know… a better sub would say: I’ll just suffer in the dark…
In this blog I would like to thank you for the help you are (so selflessly) giving me with training me with my butt plug. The last time you came you made a nice session of it, and described it ever so well in your comment (also thanks lol).
To A: thanks so much for your comment. Your explanation about the pliability is very reassuring. I have to admit I am starting to panic a little now and then, thinking I can’t do it, and my impatience is not helping either. But then reading your comment, sort of gave me refreshed courage.
Also your comment about how some D/s relationships fall foul, was very good and certainly recognisable.
I think I need to clarify something though. The strong emotions I went through last week was from a session I had with a dom last Wednesday. He is not my Master. I am not in any kind of relationship with him. That is partly why I was so annoyed with the emotions I went through.
I do have a Master, but unfortunately I have not had the pleasure yet of meeting Him face to face. He lives in the Netherlands, and for now our relationship extends to email, online meetings and occasional telephone conversations. HOWEVER, He really is my Master, the One I obey and serve. The experience I gather whilst waiting for Him, is purely play and the conditions I play under are those of my Master, not the dom who “has” me on the night.
To my slave friend: you are reading my mind!! The hit counter was exactly what I was thinking of when I was fiddling with the links. Keep on the look-out for it…
I have been thinking long and hard about your comment relating to the disregard Wednesday’s dom (let’s call him A to make it easy). It might be naïve of me, but somehow I really don’t think it was disregard. I do believe A wanted to teach me, and show me total surrender, how to put trust in somebody, … I know he did more than just push my limits, he stepped over them and went far beyond. And you were certainly right in telling me he has no right “to break” me, as he is not my Master. That I do fully agree with. But look, he didn’t! Although I know I will have to be very careful around him. So I am seriously considering not seeing A again.
I have read your entry from 14th Feb, as you asked me too. And as you know, I thought it was most beautiful. I will comment on it very soon.
Now then, time to stop writing already. I was planning on putting together a proper blog-posting tonight, but my bed time has already arrived. And it may come as a surprise to some of my readers, but I do actually obey the orders of my Master. So at midnight, I am in bed.
I’ll be back very soon!
I know… a better sub would say: I’ll just suffer in the dark…
In this blog I would like to thank you for the help you are (so selflessly) giving me with training me with my butt plug. The last time you came you made a nice session of it, and described it ever so well in your comment (also thanks lol).
To A: thanks so much for your comment. Your explanation about the pliability is very reassuring. I have to admit I am starting to panic a little now and then, thinking I can’t do it, and my impatience is not helping either. But then reading your comment, sort of gave me refreshed courage.
Also your comment about how some D/s relationships fall foul, was very good and certainly recognisable.
I think I need to clarify something though. The strong emotions I went through last week was from a session I had with a dom last Wednesday. He is not my Master. I am not in any kind of relationship with him. That is partly why I was so annoyed with the emotions I went through.
I do have a Master, but unfortunately I have not had the pleasure yet of meeting Him face to face. He lives in the Netherlands, and for now our relationship extends to email, online meetings and occasional telephone conversations. HOWEVER, He really is my Master, the One I obey and serve. The experience I gather whilst waiting for Him, is purely play and the conditions I play under are those of my Master, not the dom who “has” me on the night.
To my slave friend: you are reading my mind!! The hit counter was exactly what I was thinking of when I was fiddling with the links. Keep on the look-out for it…
I have been thinking long and hard about your comment relating to the disregard Wednesday’s dom (let’s call him A to make it easy). It might be naïve of me, but somehow I really don’t think it was disregard. I do believe A wanted to teach me, and show me total surrender, how to put trust in somebody, … I know he did more than just push my limits, he stepped over them and went far beyond. And you were certainly right in telling me he has no right “to break” me, as he is not my Master. That I do fully agree with. But look, he didn’t! Although I know I will have to be very careful around him. So I am seriously considering not seeing A again.
I have read your entry from 14th Feb, as you asked me too. And as you know, I thought it was most beautiful. I will comment on it very soon.
Now then, time to stop writing already. I was planning on putting together a proper blog-posting tonight, but my bed time has already arrived. And it may come as a surprise to some of my readers, but I do actually obey the orders of my Master. So at midnight, I am in bed.
I’ll be back very soon!
Monday, February 13, 2006
TRUE LOVE
Once again, my very dear slave friend, has helped me tremendously when I was feeling very low. He did it before, it is almost how we got to know each other. It was a day after my last punishment from my Master, and I felt extremely rotten about disappointing him. He had never felt that cold and distant before, and I had so clearly let him down, a true horrible feeling. But my slave friend helped me through the night with wise advice and gave me a lot of strength. I'll never forget the support I received from him, not even knowing me.
And so yesterday, he did it again. I had texted him about the state I was in, and as soon as he could, he called me and explained what was going on. He knew what it was, even before he heard the details of what I felt like. I experienced a low, coming down from subspace. All chemical reactions sort of things in my body and stuff. It immediately made me feel better. Knowing what it was really helped to put my mood in perspective again. He made me even laugh out loud later, when we had a little chat online. Thanks my dear friend, you are very special!
Also thanks to one of my dom-friends. I received the nicest text, after he read my blog of yesterday. And he too, managed to make me laugh after a few texts. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will do your shopping for you soon! :)
Wow, I am so blessed. Ever since I have split up from my husband, I have made the most amazing discoveries. And no, not my submissiveness was the biggest one, although of course very significant. But I learned about Friendship... a whole lot.
Last night, I spent some time in bed together with my little one, watching Pocahontas and having a little chat before she had to go to sleep. My daughter is a very sweet child and very affectionate. We cuddle an awful lot and I'll never let a chance slip to tell her I love her. And so tonight, nicely cuddled up, watching Pocahontas and John Smith fall in love, my little girl suddenly sat up. She looked at me and said:"Mummy, I think you are really lovely". I told her of course exactly how lovely she is too. She wasn't done yet, and told me how beautiful I am, especially my hair. And again in detail I described the beauty of her little person as well. She came back to lie in my arms and then told me she loves me. So I stroked her head and I was starting to feel tears in my eyes, and I explained to her that I do love her ever so much. She grabbed my arm and responded: "Good. Will you always listen to me, mummy?" Which is of course a promise for life... that and so much more... The only true love, totally unconditional.
Feeling better today, and will get busy with work and later of course at home lots of work to catch up on.
And so yesterday, he did it again. I had texted him about the state I was in, and as soon as he could, he called me and explained what was going on. He knew what it was, even before he heard the details of what I felt like. I experienced a low, coming down from subspace. All chemical reactions sort of things in my body and stuff. It immediately made me feel better. Knowing what it was really helped to put my mood in perspective again. He made me even laugh out loud later, when we had a little chat online. Thanks my dear friend, you are very special!
Also thanks to one of my dom-friends. I received the nicest text, after he read my blog of yesterday. And he too, managed to make me laugh after a few texts. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will do your shopping for you soon! :)
Wow, I am so blessed. Ever since I have split up from my husband, I have made the most amazing discoveries. And no, not my submissiveness was the biggest one, although of course very significant. But I learned about Friendship... a whole lot.
Last night, I spent some time in bed together with my little one, watching Pocahontas and having a little chat before she had to go to sleep. My daughter is a very sweet child and very affectionate. We cuddle an awful lot and I'll never let a chance slip to tell her I love her. And so tonight, nicely cuddled up, watching Pocahontas and John Smith fall in love, my little girl suddenly sat up. She looked at me and said:"Mummy, I think you are really lovely". I told her of course exactly how lovely she is too. She wasn't done yet, and told me how beautiful I am, especially my hair. And again in detail I described the beauty of her little person as well. She came back to lie in my arms and then told me she loves me. So I stroked her head and I was starting to feel tears in my eyes, and I explained to her that I do love her ever so much. She grabbed my arm and responded: "Good. Will you always listen to me, mummy?" Which is of course a promise for life... that and so much more... The only true love, totally unconditional.
Feeling better today, and will get busy with work and later of course at home lots of work to catch up on.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
DOWN
DOWN
Feeling desperately lonely today, acting terribly depressed. I haven't done any housework today, hardly at all played with my daughter (just provided her with all the necessary toys to play on her own), been crying, thinking, longing...
Damn that man from Wednesday. How dare he come and disrupt me like this? And why? I thought I had been strong, but obviously he did get to me.
It wasn't the beating, the humiliation or any of the other ordeal. Even though I felt more emotional during it and it lasted longer than any other experience I had before. No, that's not it. Anyone can come and give me a taste of pain, and I'll wave them goodbye ready to carry on with whatever I was doing. It's the unexpected nice hug, telling me how much I need it, it's the understanding that is offered, some of the things that are said subtly put in the conversation only to hit you a few days later.
The bruising starts to heal, and the loneliness kicks in...
Feeling desperately lonely today, acting terribly depressed. I haven't done any housework today, hardly at all played with my daughter (just provided her with all the necessary toys to play on her own), been crying, thinking, longing...
Damn that man from Wednesday. How dare he come and disrupt me like this? And why? I thought I had been strong, but obviously he did get to me.
It wasn't the beating, the humiliation or any of the other ordeal. Even though I felt more emotional during it and it lasted longer than any other experience I had before. No, that's not it. Anyone can come and give me a taste of pain, and I'll wave them goodbye ready to carry on with whatever I was doing. It's the unexpected nice hug, telling me how much I need it, it's the understanding that is offered, some of the things that are said subtly put in the conversation only to hit you a few days later.
The bruising starts to heal, and the loneliness kicks in...
Saturday, February 11, 2006
PIERCING, PLUG AND PLEASURE
PIERCING, PLUG AND PLEASURE
Here we go then. I’ve always wanted to be a published writer…
First of all, I would like to thank everybody who reads my blog. Writing is one of my favourite pastimes and being read makes it all that more pleasurable.
However, be warned. I tend to ramble on quite a bit, never know how to cut a story short, not even when it really is short. You’ll also find I very often get distracted and start talking completely besides the point. All you can hope for is that I eventually find my way back to the plot and finish off what I originally started telling about. Further more, I might misuse the language a little, because English is not my mother tongue. But hopefully you do find some of it enjoyable.
This week has been a busy one; very interesting, painful and eventful, varied and a little confusing.
It all started quite depressing on Monday, having to sort out very serious money problems and feeling very stuck. I had taken the whole day off, although I knew I would only need the morning for this. So I could spend the afternoon with my friend Cameron. I always love being with him, and again I had a fantastic afternoon. One of the things I took back with me (literally) was my new butt plug.
On my previous visit to Cameron, he took me to some sexshops, of which one had a salesman with a Scottish accent. I am totally in love with the Scottish accent, something I blame Billy Connolly for –a man who I adore! So I made the most of the situation and totally endulged in listening to this man and made him show me all the butt plugs he had. I was thinking of buying one anyway (honestly!). But unfortunately I couldn’t find anything to my liking (I am sooo fussy). Well that is to say, there was one, very interesting with electricity and other tricks, but the bottom end was shaped a bit like you see on a rabbit. So not really something you could wear to work, as I pointed out to the salesman. In desperation then, he showed me his purchasing catalogues and indeed I found just the thing…. My dear slave friend collected my order for me last week and so he gave it to me on Monday. The plug is “slightly” bigger than I expected… (OH MY GOD!!!-kinda-large). That evening I looked at it…
On Tuesday then lots of work at the office. And I also had loads of work at home to look forward to as well. I was starting to get seriously nervous about the planned session I had the next day. And also, very desperate for an orgasm. My colleage/friend Nicola had been shopping for me in the weekend, and had bought the latest super-duper rabbit. It looked fantastic, and couldn’t wait to give it a good try. But more so it had been 10 days since my last orgasm, and I started feeling very desperate. I know, 10 days might not seem that much, but believe me… After two days I already start working on my plea/appeal to my Master cause I feel so horny. Thankfully He felt I had deserved one, and allowed me to have fun that night. Oh, and it was fantastic!!! I can certainly recommend the new rabbit to all women.
My Master did also instruct me to start training myself with the new plug. That evening, before playing with my new rabbit, I started practising. It didn’t go all the way in, and I was very disappointed, but not surprised. And it is of course always good to have something to strive for, a goal to achieve, a wish to be fulfilled.
Swiftly moving on to Wednesday. That was such a special day, it is difficult to write about. That evening I had a session planned with a dom I had met about 6 months ago. From that one meeting I knew he was different than most people. His eyes, simply indescribable. So scary and so attractive at the same time. I have never forgotten them, and often thought back at the meeting I had with him. But, and this is probably through my little understanding of “things”, I found him too scary, and never dared to try to go further with him than the cup of tea we had. On the other hand, during the talk we had, I had felt an enormous understanding from him, even when I couldn’t quite find the words to explain myself, and never wanted to completely shut the door to him either. But now then, with the understanding that I do have a Master, he came for a play-session. I had arranged an overnight with the childminder for my little one, as obviously I do not want her in the house in a situation like that.
I was truly more than just nervous. Petrified is much closer to how I felt. Not just for the pain I would have to endure, but also for what I would feel about seeing him again. He had left such a strong impression.
And I was right for being scared. I will not give a detailed report of all the happenings of the evening, but I can tell that I have never ever cried, felt scared, physically hurt, made horny and comforted like it before. If I would ever have doubted any of my limits, I was now sure! But… I did manage to not give myself completely mentally.
I know, that last statement might not look as good as it really is. I shouldn’t hold back, but this case was a little different. That complete and total surrender is something I want to only give to my Master. It is logical to me…
I need to add that I have not been allowed to orgasm that night.
Thursday morning I went to pick up my little girl from the childminder to take to school. I didn’t have to, the school is around the corner from the childminder, and 20 minutes by car from my house. But the guilty feeling of having her sleeping somewhere else so I can endulge in my perverted sexual needs, made me do this. Also that evening she would go sleep at her daddy’s and two nights in a row not having her with me, seemed enormously long suddenly.
I felt totally wrecked. My whole body was in pain, and felt extremely tired. Further more I was again extremely nervous, cause that evening I had planned to be pierced through the clithood.
But first to the diet club, like every Thursday evening, after dropping my daughter off at her daddy’s. That went very well, and I had lost quite a lot of weight that week. Then to my friend’s house, who would do the piercing. I trust him completely with my body, and he has certainly proven it worthy so far. It is always nice to see him, and so it was too that evening. For some unknown reason (stupidity probably) I thought I was going to get sympathy for all the pain I was already in. With lots of oohing and aahing and moaning telling him some of the ordeal I went through the night before, I somehow expected a little “oh poor you” or something. But instead I was confronted with his sadistic side and got lots of laughter instead.
My lesson of the week: You can’t get sympathy from a sadist, and the harder you try, the less you get of course.
It got worse, when looking at my marks, I was told it was not all that bad, that I should really get some more. And of course the marks got poked and tested on their sensitivity.
Then I got tied to the bed. I had requested this, with the excuse that I didn’t want to make any movement that could risk ruining anything. Of course it was just really really nice too. It was a very strange kind of enjoyment I felt, when the cuffs were put on again, and even stranger to actually see him tie me down. He’s done it plenty of times, but I’ve always been blindfolded before. We had a lovely chat whilst he was clamping things and God knows what else. After long and thorough checking, he decided against doing it himself. I will have to go to a piercing shop. But he’ll come with me, which I am so enormously grateful for. And I don’t think he realises what a good friend he is at times.
The plug didn’t go in again that night. When I was in bed, I thought of skipping the training that evening. Felt so tired and achy. But thankfully I got my thoughts on the right track very quickly again, and I practiced extra long because I felt guilty about thinking about skipping it.
Again, the level of horniness was rising to very high levels. Having my lips and clit touched and fiddled with whilst lying bound…
Friday was a better day. In the morning I picked up my little girl to take her to the childminder for the day (school was closed) and went to work. I was able to sit down without too much pain. I was still tired, despite some good sleep during the night. And again I had some work to look forward to at home, cause I was having another dom-friend over. For dinner only this time. After work I picked up my little girl, and it was so nice to have her with me again. I know it was only two nights, and I still saw her before and after school/childminder every day, but still…
It turned out to be a fantastic evening. I have always been able to talk to him about almost anything and everything. There is a good understanding. We laugh a great deal and are able to joke with each other, just as much as talk about and discuss more serious areas in our lives. It had been quite a long time ago since we last seen each other. And it felt great. We had a lovely little dinner, and chatted for hours. He managed to give me a tremendous good feeling and a little self confidence (something I loose quite easily). Also he volonteerd to help me to practice with my plug. It went well, but still not completely in. He told me to put it on a chair and slide myself over it when I am alone. It should be easier than trying to push it in. We’ll try this later tonight.
I’ll keep you posted on the progress.
But again, feeling HORNY!!!! This friend had been so kind to stroke my clit ever so gently in order to relax me trying to push the butt plug in as far as possible. Oh poor me (yep, when it comes to not having orgasms, I do feel a lot of self pitty). I had written earlier that day to my Master to please allow me an orgasm, but the question is not even worthy an answer. I have to come up with something real good to start deserving one again soon!
Before ending this blog, I would like to respond to the comments I have received already so far.
To my dear slave friend, who commented on the rudeness of my pic lol. I would have made my name Slavin_H, cause H is my initial. But I never get addressed with my name by my Master, and am much better known as slet (=slut in English).
To A, I do hope you will keep reading. And of course, that you will indeed enjoy the writing. I am already looking forward to your comments.
I think I rambled enough for now. I do hope to be back a bit quicker next time, so I can keep the blog a bit shorter. But as said at the beginning of this piece, that might be a hard goal to achieve…
Leaving you all with the best quote I have ever read. It comes from Wilfred Peterson, who said:
“Happiness doesn’t come from doing the things you like to do, but from liking the things you have to do”
Here we go then. I’ve always wanted to be a published writer…
First of all, I would like to thank everybody who reads my blog. Writing is one of my favourite pastimes and being read makes it all that more pleasurable.
However, be warned. I tend to ramble on quite a bit, never know how to cut a story short, not even when it really is short. You’ll also find I very often get distracted and start talking completely besides the point. All you can hope for is that I eventually find my way back to the plot and finish off what I originally started telling about. Further more, I might misuse the language a little, because English is not my mother tongue. But hopefully you do find some of it enjoyable.
This week has been a busy one; very interesting, painful and eventful, varied and a little confusing.
It all started quite depressing on Monday, having to sort out very serious money problems and feeling very stuck. I had taken the whole day off, although I knew I would only need the morning for this. So I could spend the afternoon with my friend Cameron. I always love being with him, and again I had a fantastic afternoon. One of the things I took back with me (literally) was my new butt plug.
On my previous visit to Cameron, he took me to some sexshops, of which one had a salesman with a Scottish accent. I am totally in love with the Scottish accent, something I blame Billy Connolly for –a man who I adore! So I made the most of the situation and totally endulged in listening to this man and made him show me all the butt plugs he had. I was thinking of buying one anyway (honestly!). But unfortunately I couldn’t find anything to my liking (I am sooo fussy). Well that is to say, there was one, very interesting with electricity and other tricks, but the bottom end was shaped a bit like you see on a rabbit. So not really something you could wear to work, as I pointed out to the salesman. In desperation then, he showed me his purchasing catalogues and indeed I found just the thing…. My dear slave friend collected my order for me last week and so he gave it to me on Monday. The plug is “slightly” bigger than I expected… (OH MY GOD!!!-kinda-large). That evening I looked at it…
On Tuesday then lots of work at the office. And I also had loads of work at home to look forward to as well. I was starting to get seriously nervous about the planned session I had the next day. And also, very desperate for an orgasm. My colleage/friend Nicola had been shopping for me in the weekend, and had bought the latest super-duper rabbit. It looked fantastic, and couldn’t wait to give it a good try. But more so it had been 10 days since my last orgasm, and I started feeling very desperate. I know, 10 days might not seem that much, but believe me… After two days I already start working on my plea/appeal to my Master cause I feel so horny. Thankfully He felt I had deserved one, and allowed me to have fun that night. Oh, and it was fantastic!!! I can certainly recommend the new rabbit to all women.
My Master did also instruct me to start training myself with the new plug. That evening, before playing with my new rabbit, I started practising. It didn’t go all the way in, and I was very disappointed, but not surprised. And it is of course always good to have something to strive for, a goal to achieve, a wish to be fulfilled.
Swiftly moving on to Wednesday. That was such a special day, it is difficult to write about. That evening I had a session planned with a dom I had met about 6 months ago. From that one meeting I knew he was different than most people. His eyes, simply indescribable. So scary and so attractive at the same time. I have never forgotten them, and often thought back at the meeting I had with him. But, and this is probably through my little understanding of “things”, I found him too scary, and never dared to try to go further with him than the cup of tea we had. On the other hand, during the talk we had, I had felt an enormous understanding from him, even when I couldn’t quite find the words to explain myself, and never wanted to completely shut the door to him either. But now then, with the understanding that I do have a Master, he came for a play-session. I had arranged an overnight with the childminder for my little one, as obviously I do not want her in the house in a situation like that.
I was truly more than just nervous. Petrified is much closer to how I felt. Not just for the pain I would have to endure, but also for what I would feel about seeing him again. He had left such a strong impression.
And I was right for being scared. I will not give a detailed report of all the happenings of the evening, but I can tell that I have never ever cried, felt scared, physically hurt, made horny and comforted like it before. If I would ever have doubted any of my limits, I was now sure! But… I did manage to not give myself completely mentally.
I know, that last statement might not look as good as it really is. I shouldn’t hold back, but this case was a little different. That complete and total surrender is something I want to only give to my Master. It is logical to me…
I need to add that I have not been allowed to orgasm that night.
Thursday morning I went to pick up my little girl from the childminder to take to school. I didn’t have to, the school is around the corner from the childminder, and 20 minutes by car from my house. But the guilty feeling of having her sleeping somewhere else so I can endulge in my perverted sexual needs, made me do this. Also that evening she would go sleep at her daddy’s and two nights in a row not having her with me, seemed enormously long suddenly.
I felt totally wrecked. My whole body was in pain, and felt extremely tired. Further more I was again extremely nervous, cause that evening I had planned to be pierced through the clithood.
But first to the diet club, like every Thursday evening, after dropping my daughter off at her daddy’s. That went very well, and I had lost quite a lot of weight that week. Then to my friend’s house, who would do the piercing. I trust him completely with my body, and he has certainly proven it worthy so far. It is always nice to see him, and so it was too that evening. For some unknown reason (stupidity probably) I thought I was going to get sympathy for all the pain I was already in. With lots of oohing and aahing and moaning telling him some of the ordeal I went through the night before, I somehow expected a little “oh poor you” or something. But instead I was confronted with his sadistic side and got lots of laughter instead.
My lesson of the week: You can’t get sympathy from a sadist, and the harder you try, the less you get of course.
It got worse, when looking at my marks, I was told it was not all that bad, that I should really get some more. And of course the marks got poked and tested on their sensitivity.
Then I got tied to the bed. I had requested this, with the excuse that I didn’t want to make any movement that could risk ruining anything. Of course it was just really really nice too. It was a very strange kind of enjoyment I felt, when the cuffs were put on again, and even stranger to actually see him tie me down. He’s done it plenty of times, but I’ve always been blindfolded before. We had a lovely chat whilst he was clamping things and God knows what else. After long and thorough checking, he decided against doing it himself. I will have to go to a piercing shop. But he’ll come with me, which I am so enormously grateful for. And I don’t think he realises what a good friend he is at times.
The plug didn’t go in again that night. When I was in bed, I thought of skipping the training that evening. Felt so tired and achy. But thankfully I got my thoughts on the right track very quickly again, and I practiced extra long because I felt guilty about thinking about skipping it.
Again, the level of horniness was rising to very high levels. Having my lips and clit touched and fiddled with whilst lying bound…
Friday was a better day. In the morning I picked up my little girl to take her to the childminder for the day (school was closed) and went to work. I was able to sit down without too much pain. I was still tired, despite some good sleep during the night. And again I had some work to look forward to at home, cause I was having another dom-friend over. For dinner only this time. After work I picked up my little girl, and it was so nice to have her with me again. I know it was only two nights, and I still saw her before and after school/childminder every day, but still…
It turned out to be a fantastic evening. I have always been able to talk to him about almost anything and everything. There is a good understanding. We laugh a great deal and are able to joke with each other, just as much as talk about and discuss more serious areas in our lives. It had been quite a long time ago since we last seen each other. And it felt great. We had a lovely little dinner, and chatted for hours. He managed to give me a tremendous good feeling and a little self confidence (something I loose quite easily). Also he volonteerd to help me to practice with my plug. It went well, but still not completely in. He told me to put it on a chair and slide myself over it when I am alone. It should be easier than trying to push it in. We’ll try this later tonight.
I’ll keep you posted on the progress.
But again, feeling HORNY!!!! This friend had been so kind to stroke my clit ever so gently in order to relax me trying to push the butt plug in as far as possible. Oh poor me (yep, when it comes to not having orgasms, I do feel a lot of self pitty). I had written earlier that day to my Master to please allow me an orgasm, but the question is not even worthy an answer. I have to come up with something real good to start deserving one again soon!
Before ending this blog, I would like to respond to the comments I have received already so far.
To my dear slave friend, who commented on the rudeness of my pic lol. I would have made my name Slavin_H, cause H is my initial. But I never get addressed with my name by my Master, and am much better known as slet (=slut in English).
To A, I do hope you will keep reading. And of course, that you will indeed enjoy the writing. I am already looking forward to your comments.
I think I rambled enough for now. I do hope to be back a bit quicker next time, so I can keep the blog a bit shorter. But as said at the beginning of this piece, that might be a hard goal to achieve…
Leaving you all with the best quote I have ever read. It comes from Wilfred Peterson, who said:
“Happiness doesn’t come from doing the things you like to do, but from liking the things you have to do”
Monday, February 06, 2006
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)