IT’S ALL SO LOGICAL, SO MAGICAL…

I failed to submit last night. And I don’t seem to mind. What strange experiences I have these days…

After months of initially meeting this couple, I finally set a play date with them. Of course after clearing it with my Master. But that was exactly it, I cleared it with him. There was nothing more to it. I didn’t go because he told me, or even suggested it. He didn’t prepare me, or got involved in any other way. He just let me do it. When I spoke to him, making the request for this playdate, I even heard some reluctance in His voice. Although that could have been wishful thinking of course.

Some people might look strangely at me, or some even crease up laughing, when I tell that I have a deep desire to be faithful. But there are a few, who would nod when they see this. My first Master for example, got pestered with long letters from me, in which I explained this part of me. My second Master too had to answer questions from me, as to why he didn’t allow me to save myself for him, and be faithful. But he went even futher and managed to get me to actually enjoy myself with others. I suppose I had given in to the idea that this was my only choice. Especially since it was almost my only source for orgasms too. So but now, overwhelmed with feelings of love and yearning for my far-away Master, the desire to keep my body for His use only is immensly overpowering.

It made last evening stand out from all other play I had before.
When I arrived (late, as usual…), I was immediately told to stand against the wall, my nose touching the wall keeping my arms to the side. He took my handbag off me and let his hands go through my hair, down my neck onto my shoulders. Very firmly he felt up my whole body, as if I was he was searching me. Already, right then, I felt wrong. All I could think of was how much I wanted to feel the hands of my Master doing this, and in a reaction to this thought I felt horrible for it being somebody else letting enjoy me. When I got dragged upstairs, where I got undressed and hurt in his bedroom, I felt even worse. The pain was terrible, I could not enjoy any of it, and felt like crying.
After some time, I asked them to stop and sat up. I told them I was very sorry but that I had second thoughts and didn’t want to continue. The woman held me and asked me why. I couldn’t help it and burst out in tears. Real floods. I told her that she might think I was being silly, but that I really truly like my new Master, and that I felt wrong being with them. She hugged me and told me that it was certainly not silly, but very beautiful. I explained to her that the relationship I have now, feels different. That suddenly I don’t have to go out and play. The man gave his opinion this time, by telling me that my previous Master probably liked doing this for the stories he would get out of it, and that I should feel really good about the fact that I now have somebody who really seems to care for me. The woman hugged me some more, and I apologised profusely for stopping the play. But they didn’t even want to hear it. I stayed for a drink, but then rushed home, cause I needed to talk to my Master. I needed his voice, for that bit of comfort and settling down all the crazy emotions I had rushing through me again.

Thankfully he was home, and I could call him. And even more, he was very calm about it, and he settled me indeed. It was really simple, although impossible at the same time. All I needed was to be quiet in his arms. And I was, although not really physically, we got as close as we possible could to it.

When I woke up this morning, and I opened my eyes, I was surprised not to see him lying next to me. It had felt so real…

NO KIDDING

The “second child syndrome” is what it was called by the mother who’s baby I was holding last week. It freaked me a little, and inside I was screaming NO! It can’t be, and it isn’t. I am sure… But, how wonderful it was to hold this little creature in my arms. So tiny, with these wonderful big eyes that babies have, so open and innocently staring at everything that she cannot grasp yet, completely relaxed and trusting my arms that were carrying her and rocking her gently as I was walking around my room in the office. I caught myself smelling her, but that typical babysmell had already gone. The pleasant feeling I got whilst holding her overwhelmed me a little, or surprised me is perhaps better explained.

Kids, of course something I think about a lot. And not just the one little angel I already got. She was a miracle and has certainly changed my life and in many ways my thinking and deeper emotions. And there have been many internal debates about a second child… I never wanted another child, I knew that as soon as I held her in my arms. She was my one. Besides practical objections such as money, fertility issues and relationship problems (as if that is not enough to decide against it), there was also and most importantly emotional and psychological struggling with the idea. I would be very afraid never to be able to love my second child as much as I love my child, I don’t think I can handle twice the worry and wonder where I would have to get the energy from,…. The only thing that made me doubt still, is the feeling of guilt of denying her a sibbling, somebody to share with and have that special bond that you can’t find anywhere else. But then again, there is a lot to say against sibblings too…

And so, again I have to write about how lucky I am with the Master I have. Because, how rare it is to find a man without kids of his own -who he then would put first before mine, who also doesn’t have the need to have his own offspring, but at the same time is good with kids and is extremely thoughtful when it comes to my little my little girl. Lucky lucky lucky me!!!

My Master, more and more, every day, we are getting closer. I am very nervous still, feel very insecure. But soon, very soon now we will meet. And hopefully, besides intense passion, it will also bring a sense of safety. Although something has already eased me, it made me feel strangely proud and calmed my uncertainties. He told his family about me! Oh, if I could only kiss him for this…

Today, finishing with a long quote by Anais Nin. A piece of text that cannot express it any better I think…

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”