THE END OF AN ERA

Ok, the title seems a tat dramatic, but it does feel like it. After all, the last three years have been quite something in this little life of me.

I have moved house, and with it I got overwhelmed with an awful lot of emotions. Totally unexpected I found myself crying, feeling very sad and as if I had lost someone dear.

Last Saturday all my stuff was put in a new house, and since then at night I went to bed fighting myself and my little one a route through unpacked boxes and stuff on the floor which has been orphaned from its cupboards.

All my free time in the week following that Saturday, I spent cleaning the old place.

At first I was ok. I only had a little crying fit on the moving day and I blame my neighbours for that entirely. They just had to come out of their houses to tell me how sorry they are to see me go. And one of them emphasised that if I ever have trouble again with my ex he would come over to help and protect me even at my new place. I went inside, emptied my kitchen cupboard and let the tears flow.

That night I was lucky enough to sleep in A’s arms, and I was determined to focus on all the good stuff about my new place.

The whole week following my time went to the cleaning up of the house. And whilst in the beginning of the week my thoughts were just filled with a bit of panic of how to get it ready in time to hand over the keys, nearing the end of the week that pressure left and my mind started wandering free again.

And how! It was strange. It started in the back garden. I was sitting on the ground picking up cut-off branches. I lifted my head to blow the hair out of my face when I saw myself in a flash. In the space between my conservatory and the fence I suddenly saw myself sitting on a bucket, relieving myself from holding up all day because I was not allowed to use my toilet all weekend. My imagination took over and I could see the dark sky and the stars I stared at those evenings, and feel the butterflies in my stomach again.

I shook off the image and continued. But the flashes came more frequently after that.

When I wiped the bedroom door I saw myself being tied to it, gagged with my breasts pressed in a bondage of rope and bamboo, my legs in a spreader.

Or when I was in my living room scrubbing a stain out of my carpet I remembered how I was in nearly that exact same position receiving the belt. Or how I assumed that position so many times in front of my webcam, plugging myself. Or… ah, so many memories in my living room.

How I loved that particular room. No windows, no direct doors to outside. The perfect place to feel free, be naked and collared, perform on webcam, feel safe,…

Of course I also have other memories, but they are just as, if not even more crazy than my BDSM experiences.

The front garden for example, where I got caught once by on of my neighbours at 2 in the morning, when I was trying to get rid of the weeds by stabbing them out with a sharp knife.

Or the sad and scary times, when I had to call the police to remove my ex from the front door.

Lots has happened and changed all the time I’ve lived there.

My little one is twice her age from when we first entered! From hardly being able to speak to writing, reading and counting (and arguing and outsmarting me). What a journey that was!

I had my first woman in that house. I made friends of my own. I discovered my true nature. I bought my first webcam, and got very close to people far away from me. I started writing. I developed a life…

Moving house has always been some sort of hobby for me. Gipsy blood, restlessness, need for change,… whatever you like to call it. I couldn’t stay anywhere very long, and moved house a hell of a lot.

So why so sad now? Why do I feel de-rooted? Seriously homesick? Completely out of sorts? As if I am grieving…

Sometimes I think I understand. That house meant a huge break for me, where I started MY life. And the move I have to make now is not the one (abroad) that I am longing for.

Hopefully that will happen soon though. And in the mean time, let’s try to fit in a few happy memories here.