TRYING IS FAILING

A most therapeutic evening it was on Friday. As always, I had a fabulous time with MJ, but this time I could smell the NLP between laughter and fun. I had some very good lessons and gained a tremendous amount of insight in some of the things I think and do, want and need. I learned the difference between want and need too, which is helpful of course. And at the end of the evening I had one last very important, more general lesson: “Trying is Failing”.

Whenever one says I’ll try…. you can bet it will never happen. I never really thought about it, but it is so true! I’ll try to be on time is one of my old-time favourites and very often used. Or I’ll try to loose weight is another one.

I have had an enlightening week, very manifest. I have been freed from some serious depressing or better said oppressing feelings. And that resulted in some behaviour which at its turn accumulated to the freer feeling. I stopped wearing panties again, spend a lot more time being naked, masturbate with a greater awareness of how it feels, started training with but plugs again,… I am starting to find myself again and it gives me a lot of strenght. Which is of course just what I need in this difficult time.

Tonight on channel 5 is a program titled “Obedient Wives”. It tells the story of women who decided to enter the blissful world of obedience and submissiveness. I will watch it. Probably be green with envy. And so will a lot of subs in the scene with me I am sure. Because, let’s face it, these days subs are no longer allowed to be truly submissive any more. Check out the Doms’ profiles and read with me how, time after time, they are looking for a so-called sub, but really she has to be independent, have a good job, and basically be able to take all her own decisions!

What happened to good old-fashioned leadership, to taking responsibility and care in return for our submissiveness, obedience and adoration?

I suspect that the women featured on the program are possibly much more in a submissive role and also more dedicated than a lot of us in the scene. All that and no pain…

It makes me wonder. In all my jealousy, would I be happy living like a domesticated, obedient housewive? Just like that? No element of SM. In all honesty I don’t know. Despite my fear for pain, I suppose I still am some sort of masochist. No I don’t kick on pain, but I kick on standing the pain for the pleasure of my Dom. And I believe that qualifies me as a masochist. I also kick on being pushed, expected from. My Dom’s confidence and pride in me and his satisfaction are my rewards.

Talk about satisfaction… a disaster happened this week. My rabbit broke!!!
So, this is a VERY URGENT APPEAL to all who care. Please buy the biggest most rampant rabbit and send it quickly!! Please…

And so I will be turning 36 soon. And besides a rabbit and a party with strippers and whipped cream, what would I like?
A place to live would be nice. Or the right to live outside England, at least to move back to my own home country. Full official custody of my little girl. No more tootache. …
Mostly though that the friendship and love I receive now will last.