CALM, COOL AND COLLECTED

What a week! What a day…

After a massive high last week, it was time to come down again I suppose. It has been a little bit of struggle.

With my new found strenght, I managed to be assertive on a few occasions. It is quite amazing, the feeling you get from saying NO. I feel so stupid sometimes, because everybody does it. Wether it is to a pushy sales assistant, a job at work, your child or husband. But not me. I have to muster courage for days before I finally shakenly get that two letter word out of my mouth. And then I look at my friends and colleagues, and for them it is so normal. But when I then finally do, and once I stop shaking, I find this tremendous amount of achievement. And so I have been able to enjoy that feeling a few times, which was nice.

In my previous blog I mentioned a program on Five about obedient wives. I’ve watched it eagerly, and found it to be very endearing. It didn’t come across very strong, but that is of course from my point of view. I could only imagine the upset, disbelief and indignation of most viewers. The women featured in the program followed the learnings of a book titled “the surrendered wife”. A book most interesting (people, remember, there is a birthday coming up!!) and I can’t wait to read it one day and compare with the teachings and training I had so far in submissiveness.

I talked to my dom-friend MJ about the program, and it was lovely to be fully enthousiastic about the subject without inhibition or shame. But we both predicted some sort of public disgust going on.

And we were not wrong. Only since a short while ago, I started listening to the radio. And how I regret that now. Because, on my way to work on Wednesday, as soon as I turned it on, I had to listen to a lot of verbal abuse about how ridiculous and hilarious those obedient wives were. How miserable they must be and so on. I am not exactly known for my stoicism and I got very upset about it. Now normally I would get into work, and immediately talk about whatever it is I saw that morning, telling a story, making it sound funny, and then laughing at it all myself. Then I would get on with the day and leave it behind me. Of course, this was slightly different, and didn’t feel I could say anything.

But being upset as I was, I did write to the radio station the following:

My morning didn't start of too well as the first thing I heard on my favourite radio station was the ridicule and disrespect of my personality.
No, I am not an obedient housewife, but I wish I could be. I am single, raising my child on my own, holding down a responsible, well-paid full time job. But I have a submissive nature and watched the program on Five feeling envious.
I know a lot of people don't understand. Why would anybody want to be nice to their spouse these days anyway? Why take the best care of someone, and in a selfless way put your own needs aside? Why would one accept someone else's view and decisions when instead you can argue and make life difficult and miserable?
Surely, if you make other people happy and make that your priority, you have to be totally and absolutely miserable! Even more, to honour and obey is "hilarious".
As I said, I know a lot of people do not understand. But exactly that is what makes you impossible from judging it. Not understanding does not allow you to throw rocks and stones, on the contrary.
Please, it is ok for asking the question, or be curious about something. But when you don't understand, don't disrespect. It is most hurtful!

Still not fully recovered from my upset that morning in the car, and failed to write it off me –in fact making it worse cause whilst writing the frustration built up even more, feeling inadequate finding all the right words trying to be compact (not my best feature!) and afterwards thinking of all the others things that I should have said and wanting to re-word the whole thing. This is why A. always tells me to leave a night before sending anything! And then we had a bit of fun in the office. About a book I lent to my boss (How to kill your husband and other handy household tips). We were laughing at some of the brilliant one-liners in it, when my French colleague decided for some unknown reason to suddenly include the surrendered wife book in the conversation. She then stated that the surrendered wife book should be burnt like Hitler’s books…

And so suddenly the house was too small. I shot up like a rocket and with all my might I defended submissive women all over the world. I expressed (uh… shouted out) my disgust about prejudice. When she kept on insisting and saying most ridiculous things like “those women are stripped off their personality” I was nearly in tears. So much unjust criticism, so totally unfair. Even when I explained it is “their” personality. And questioning what is so wrong with serving the one you love and putting your own needs aside and how possibly you can compare it to a racist mass-murderer?

My dear friend N (my porcelain doll) who sits at the other side of the building, heard me and started typing on MSN Messenger to me, calming me down. My boss in the mean time, came between me and my french colleague telling us to agree to disagree.

And so it ended, a rather big row I must say. I felt rather bad the rest of the day. Firstly cause I hate rows. But mostly cause I felt like shouting out really loud “I AM SUBMISSIVE”.

And nobody has ever said about me that I have no personality or that I am pathetic and miserable.

It all has made me more determined in a way, to carry out my submissiveness, not to betray it or deny myself to be myself.

Unless of course…
what if the ultimate act of submissiveness it to give it up?

The week went on and I keep to my diet very well. The plug training is going well. But otherwise I struggled a bit. I got declined by estate agents, who refuse to take me on as a tennant because of bad credit history –despite the fact that my boss wants to stand guarantee for my rent. I had a letter telling me my gas supply will be cut off after my final reminder came in last week (didn’t expect it so quickly), still tootache of hell, my solicitor who just doesn’t do a tiny thing (like answering a very simple question of mine but still cost me thousands of pounds). And then to top it off this morning I found out that my little one had been very bad in school again yesterday. I have had a lot of trouble with her, and it scares me so much because her dad is trying to take her from me. So for her to act up and behave oncontrollable in school scares me. Really frightens me. My morning started in tears. I went to work, cried all the way, feeling helpless and not knowing what to do.

Once at work, I phoned the telephone and broadband provider, because once again my line had a fault. So immediately I had to turn back home to do some tests. After dealing with the ludricous stupidity which derives from sitting in a call center 8 hours per day, I went to the council. Because after the blow from being refused by estate agents, I slept bad worrying sick about finding a house for me and my little love. Once again I am frightened to death about losing her, and the worst scenarios go through my mind about not finding a place in time.

Again lots of tears, I couldn’t stop it. I hate it, it is so humiliating. But it resulted in being raised a band of urgency for a council house.

I went back to work. Feeling exhausted. It was midday and had not eaten yet and stressed to the bone. I started talking to J. my boss about having a friend of them who is a world renowned children’s psychologist talk to my little girl. And suddenly I just collapsed. I couldn’t finish. I hung on to her, crying with all my body. After a while she sat me down and poured me a big glass of wine, which I gratefully accepted. She also offered me chocolate but (even then) I remembered my diet and didn’t take any piece. We talked for a long time, and she resolved a lot. She calls herself my good karma. I wish I could do something for her. I am sure one day that opportunity will arise. For now, I thank heaven for her.

And so tonight I saw a house. A really nice and big (yes, it does exist in England!) cottage. Very close to school and tucked away. Huge gardens and a general really lovely feel. More so, very affordable. I will know after the weekend if I can have it. Please please please, burn a candle for me.

Now it is late Friday evening, and will go to bed very soon. I caught up with a few household chores, and am listening to the sweet sound of the washing machine and the dishwasher. Suddenly I feel calm. Tomorrow I will work hard again and continue to do things right. The rest will follow…

TRYING IS FAILING

A most therapeutic evening it was on Friday. As always, I had a fabulous time with MJ, but this time I could smell the NLP between laughter and fun. I had some very good lessons and gained a tremendous amount of insight in some of the things I think and do, want and need. I learned the difference between want and need too, which is helpful of course. And at the end of the evening I had one last very important, more general lesson: “Trying is Failing”.

Whenever one says I’ll try…. you can bet it will never happen. I never really thought about it, but it is so true! I’ll try to be on time is one of my old-time favourites and very often used. Or I’ll try to loose weight is another one.

I have had an enlightening week, very manifest. I have been freed from some serious depressing or better said oppressing feelings. And that resulted in some behaviour which at its turn accumulated to the freer feeling. I stopped wearing panties again, spend a lot more time being naked, masturbate with a greater awareness of how it feels, started training with but plugs again,… I am starting to find myself again and it gives me a lot of strenght. Which is of course just what I need in this difficult time.

Tonight on channel 5 is a program titled “Obedient Wives”. It tells the story of women who decided to enter the blissful world of obedience and submissiveness. I will watch it. Probably be green with envy. And so will a lot of subs in the scene with me I am sure. Because, let’s face it, these days subs are no longer allowed to be truly submissive any more. Check out the Doms’ profiles and read with me how, time after time, they are looking for a so-called sub, but really she has to be independent, have a good job, and basically be able to take all her own decisions!

What happened to good old-fashioned leadership, to taking responsibility and care in return for our submissiveness, obedience and adoration?

I suspect that the women featured on the program are possibly much more in a submissive role and also more dedicated than a lot of us in the scene. All that and no pain…

It makes me wonder. In all my jealousy, would I be happy living like a domesticated, obedient housewive? Just like that? No element of SM. In all honesty I don’t know. Despite my fear for pain, I suppose I still am some sort of masochist. No I don’t kick on pain, but I kick on standing the pain for the pleasure of my Dom. And I believe that qualifies me as a masochist. I also kick on being pushed, expected from. My Dom’s confidence and pride in me and his satisfaction are my rewards.

Talk about satisfaction… a disaster happened this week. My rabbit broke!!!
So, this is a VERY URGENT APPEAL to all who care. Please buy the biggest most rampant rabbit and send it quickly!! Please…

And so I will be turning 36 soon. And besides a rabbit and a party with strippers and whipped cream, what would I like?
A place to live would be nice. Or the right to live outside England, at least to move back to my own home country. Full official custody of my little girl. No more tootache. …
Mostly though that the friendship and love I receive now will last.